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Soft Snore
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Soft Snore |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Soft Snore Losing air I cave inward Unable to draw One satisfying breathe In bed I've propped Four pillows beneath me Beside him And the soft snore My body a right angle My lips a permanent O No sounds shift Inside my lungs No crackle or hiss or wheeze Just open mouth against solid surface Suction hose occluded with tennis ball Pursed lips, flared nostrils Quiver tiredly Sticky liquid Primordial mucus Sealed in bronchi My tombed infection Time passes huff by huff Until the morning phone call Doctor visit Hospital admission New room Where the soft snore Does not disturb my night Jeen [This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 07-17-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Outstanding images. I especially liked 'Time passes huff by huff'. The only thing I would work on is stanza 4- I think the images are weakened by the lack of a verb- the descriptions have a little trouble standing alone- they kind of sound like a laundry list... the whole poem is a bit like that (which I can understand- a person short of breath doesn't speak in coherent sentences) but stanza 4 I think needs just a bit of action. You are more than the sum of what you consume |
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Great Below Junior Member
since 2001-07-17
Posts 13Massachusetts, USA |
Excellent piece but the use of the word propped just doesn't seem to fit the scene and throws my train of thought off the poem, I'm not sure if this is just me but that one word just seems to stand alone and subtract from the overall scape of the poem, otherwise very nicely done, keep up the good work. |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada |
Hi Jeen, You've ALWAYS got a way of making me just go "WOW!" It is indeed shocking, and u know what? I REALLY liked the sensations!!! I've read all of them actually, i didn't reply most of them cuz i was just tooo shocked to say anything at all! I felt that there is always a very difficult feeling to grasp as i am reading your poetry, i mean it's really awesome, really cuz as i am reading along i could sorta see what you are trying to get accross with all the images, which is really shocking even to myself!  You've given a very unique and valuable vision, thanks! Waiting for more - Alex |
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