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Critical Analysis #1
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Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91


0 posted 2001-07-17 01:55 PM


Soft Snore


Losing air
I cave inward
Unable to draw
One satisfying breathe

In bed I've propped
Four pillows beneath me
Beside him
And the soft snore
My body a right angle
My lips a permanent  O

No sounds shift
Inside my lungs
No crackle or hiss or wheeze
Just open mouth against solid surface
Suction hose occluded with tennis ball

Pursed lips, flared nostrils
Quiver tiredly
Sticky liquid
Primordial mucus
Sealed in bronchi
My tombed infection

Time passes huff by huff
Until the morning phone call
Doctor visit
Hospital admission
New room
Where the soft snore
Does not disturb my night


Jeen

[This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 07-17-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2001-07-17 02:22 PM


Outstanding images. I especially liked 'Time passes huff by huff'. The only thing I would work on is stanza 4- I think the images are weakened by the lack of a verb- the descriptions have a little trouble standing alone- they kind of sound like a laundry list... the whole poem is a bit like that (which I can understand- a person short of breath doesn't speak in coherent sentences) but stanza 4 I think needs just a bit of action.

You are more than the sum of what you consume
Desire is not an occupation
-Nicole Blackman/KMFDM

Great Below
Junior Member
since 2001-07-17
Posts 13
Massachusetts, USA
2 posted 2001-07-17 11:48 PM


Excellent piece but the use of the word propped just doesn't seem to fit the scene and throws my train of thought off the poem, I'm not sure if this is just me but that one word just seems to stand alone and subtract from the overall scape of the poem, otherwise very nicely done, keep up the good work.
The Exile
Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52
Ontario, Canada
3 posted 2001-07-18 01:34 AM


Hi Jeen,

You've ALWAYS got a way of making me just go "WOW!" It is indeed shocking, and u know what? I REALLY liked the sensations!!! I've read all of them actually, i didn't reply most of them cuz i was just tooo shocked to say anything at all! I felt that there is always a very difficult feeling to grasp as i am reading your poetry, i mean it's really awesome, really cuz as i am reading along i could sorta see what you are trying to get accross with all the images, which is really shocking even to myself!   You've given a very unique and valuable vision, thanks!

Waiting for more -

Alex

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