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Critical Analysis #1
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one more from the streets
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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one more from the streets |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
here's one more form the streets for ya'll, this is experimental so be lenient crackheads prostitutes and pimps- peeps telling me i'll get used of it like a babe weaning off it's mama's tit but if apathy is what'll happen to me then i'll stay happily sucking on those breasts cuddled in my mama's chest basking in the innocence cause there's too many that don't care a pervasive malaise and despair i'm learning these ghetto ropes realizing the only ghetto hope is through ghetto dope cause peeps heed drug dealers like they're ghetto popes but my hope's learning and trying my hope's that peeps start denying the validity of our society our culture that's feasting like vultures as our hearts stop and our bodies drop all perpetuated by their greed and their need to devour our spirituality so next time ya see me on the streets and you're feeling these rhymes and beats and like life is a disease acting degenerately let's make fighting our full time job and sing those spirituals like Bob that go "get up, stand up stand up for your rights get up, stand up don't give up the fight" and we'll hope the people have the might "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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| © Copyright 2001 rich cooper - All Rights Reserved | |||
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
OK from the title I got the feeling this would be a rap, and I was right. Rap is not my favourite music and I don't think rap lyrics are poetic, they are like Marilyn Manson, good for shock value and little else. Well enough ranting, here are my thoughts on your poem, I see what you are trying to do with rhythm, and for me it does not work. I think you need to tighten it up more though the techincal part of ryhme is not my strong point. Before you think I take a sick pleasure in putting you down I have some nice things to say. Your over all approve is bold, and I love these lines "my hope's that peeps start denying the validity of our society our culture that's feasting like vultures as our hearts stop and our bodies drop all perpetuated by their greed and their need to devour our spirituality" I would like to see more strong images like that in the poem, I think you are leaning too heavily on the use of street slang. For me it does not work. An interesting piece, I enjoyed the read. |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
not rap, i hate the word, i hate rap, it's hip-hop, subtle yet huge differences between the two "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
OK Rich-pa, hip hop then... as you can see it is not the like of music I like, give me good alt. rock music any day. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
hmm... Brian, it sounds to me like maybe you should give something different a chance? Of course, if the words don't sound good together to you, I can't tell you they should, but you seem to have disregarded this poem before you even started. You cannot compare an entire genre of music to a single artist... it makes you sound closed-minded to compare an entire group of artists (or non-artists, whatever) to one shock-rocker. Apples and oranges, y'know? This, to me, is more than rap lyrics, because I think the rhythm stands alone. Not only does rich-pa show an understanding of the way street language works and how to apply the beats to make a poem flow without the background of music, but it's obvious through the use of multi-syllabic and more uncommon words that this is not only a poem from the streets, it's an educated voice- both in terms of vocabulary & application thereof and the ways of the street- two worlds that don't meet as much as they should. This poem is an excellent example of why poetry needs to be read with an open mind- people who choose to examine poetry with standards of scholarly quality in mind will overlook poems that are a little rougher, a little looser. rich-pa, one thing- in stanza one, I wasn't sure if the breasts represented the violence the speaker is accustomed to, or the sheltering from it? Is the ghetto the 'innocence' (in a sense of naivete, not being exposed to opportunities) and the speaker doesn't want to be exposed to the opportunites that force him into bettering himself (or feeling bad for not doing so?), or rather, is the chest a safe haven from the ghetto? I'm not saying you should change it- I love double meanings- I'm just wondering what you mean by it. The only thing I would work on is finding substitues for the repitition of 'peeps'. There are other slang terms that would apply- g, dawg, "the N word" (we all know how offensive it is!) etc. Great writing. I always look forward to your posts.  everything's fine. |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
hey hush, i was going with the chest being the protection from the ghetto, a whole innocence motif and the protection thereof, but if you see two meanings then there are two meanings. thanks for the "peep" suggestion...i would usually use something else but the n word as ya say it, is too exclusive, i think, and rude and remindind of racism, i'll think about it and see what else i can come up with. thanks for the defense too, i was just gonna let it slide 'cause i meet too many people who hate hip-hop or things related due to overexposure to gangsta rap and pop rap, but thanks. "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I very much enjoyed the read, and agree that this and most other lyrics are poetic. I particularly liked the positive attitude in this...different from a lot of the same type. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Well ok I can I am missing out what many people seem to think is a virtue of the poem, as I said before I don't know much about the technical side of poetry. I guess I should have backed my point up further. When I hear music I will listen to it, I don't dismiss anything start away but I don't like most of the popular rap I hear. A lot of it has become clichéd like dance music and some heavy rock music. I have heard some intelligent rap, Roots and Jurassic 5. The reason I mentioned Marilyn Manson (I admit I own one of their albums) is that I listen to rap songs and they are so in your face, using shock tactics. And for me this is not good poetry. Good poetry can shock, but subtly helps, it gives a poem more impact and power. Maybe this was the wrong poem for me to comment on, the use of slang put me off maybe cause I am not used to it and can't tell if it is genuine street talk. "This poem is an excellent example of why poetry needs to be read with an open mind- people who choose to examine poetry with standards of scholarly quality in mind will overlook poems that are a little rougher, a little looser. " Hush I never look at a poem in those terms because I don't have those qualifications, I look at what I can connect to. Maybe I came to this poem with some bias. I see a lot of teenagers in my country buying into the rap lifestyle because they think it is cool and glamour. They don't understand it and I think it is sad when they cling to something else instead of finding their own identities. I am NOT saying that this is Rich-Pa's case. If Rich can write a poem using hip hop and paint a fair picture of street life then well done. On poetry terms alone, "my hope's that peeps start denying the validity of our society our culture that's feasting like vultures as our hearts stop and our bodies drop all perpetuated by their greed and their need to devour our spirituality" Also liked "sucking on those breasts cuddled in my mama's chest basking in the innocence cause there's too many that don't care a pervasive malaise and despair" Those are powerful pieces, for me the rest of the poem did not measure up to the power of this. That was my main point, really. Maybe I should trade in my Clash and Manics CDs for some hip hop. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
i wouldnt trade in any clash or manics for hip-hop, i also dig those, i like being transcultural, but hey, cheq out some common sense or mos def, there a few intellectual hip hop groups out there, if ya like the roots and jurassic 5 you'll like them. "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
rich, I finally found someone who knows of the Manics here. A miracle lol. I might download some songs from those groups, give it a try, it might help me understand where you were coming from with that poem. I am kidding about trading in the manics and clash, no way especially the Manics. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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**lost** Junior Member
since 2001-07-16
Posts 32ma |
crackheads prostitutes and pimps- peeps telling me i'll get used of it like a babe weaning off it's mama's tit but if apathy is what'll happen to me then i'll stay happily sucking on those breasts cuddled in my mama's chest basking in the innocence cause there's too many that don't care a pervasive malaise and despair i like this part. it shows the difficulty of steming off and deciding for yourself for the first time. Do you go for what is safe, or appealing. I think this is a very good step towards making people understand that not all rap or hip hop or any other genre of music is about one specific thing (many think rap/hip hop=violence) to me, i think where words are put together to express thoughts in a stream is classified as poetry. it is wrong to get technical with terms. if it is the way you feel, and it is in the poem "format" persay, who are we to judge. confused among strangers, |
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