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aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

0 posted 2001-09-20 08:56 PM

Walking under the Moon,
Wind is roaring in madness.
Five past twelve, morning,
Silence.

The light is wiping away,
I can see the Moon no more.
The trees that were waving at me
Now is fading away,
Fading away into Nevereverland.

Suddenly,
I realize I'm the only one on the street
Alone,
with darkness walks by me side by side.
I hear a noise,
Someone is playing piano,
Who is it?

The music is soft yet sore.
It is getting louder and louder
As I approach the end of the street.
I hear another voice, from a far, distance.
A sobbing voice of a child,
A voice that is hiding,
From what?

Following the voice to another side of the street,
I come in front of the girl.
The music have stopped,
It was from her music box.
I can see her face now.
She is just a normal kid,
Except,
I can see fear in her eyes.

Wait a minute,
That isn't a kid, this is midnight.
That is a shadow, a shadow of my own.
I've never fear of darkness,
For it is no stranger to me.
Yet tonight seem to be a long cold night.
I've not been beaten, I'm just scared.
Of What?

I know not but I'm waiting,
Waiting for the first ray of light,
The Dawn.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2001-09-21 02:41 PM

Hi Aries,

Welcome to Critical Analysis. It's always good to hear a new voice here. Check your email for a message.

As you may have guessed, the purpose of this forum is to learn how to improve our writing by getting the advice of other interested members. We have others who are for more capable than I am of discussing free verse. But, since I am first, I'll have a go anyway.

My first impression is that it seems a little disjointed and has too many grammatic errors. Perhaps English is a second language for you. If so then you will certainly be forgiven for that and you may learn some finer points of dealing with the language here. If not then I suggest that you more carefully edit your own work to make it as perfect as you can before submitting.

As an example of what I mean, I'll quote your first stanza then make some suggestions.

quote:
Walking under the Moon,
Wind is roaring in madness.
Five past twelve, morning,
Silence.

The first line suggests that the speaker is walking but then the second seems to change the subject to the wind. Also, it takes a serious stretch for that to make a sentence anyway. Then the next 2 lines, although descriptive, don't flow into the thought smoothly. I do like the image you presented very much but I think the wording and punctuation could be improved. Here is just a quick example of what I am suggesting.

   Walking under the Moon,
   The wind is roaring in madness,
   It's five past twelve in the morning.
   Silence.

Ok, I know this isn't right either. What I am trying to do is make the thought flow better. I know someone will come along and say that I have made it too wordy, and I agree with that too.

In the first line of stanza 2, wiping doesn't seem to be the right form of the verb. At least it isn't very common usage and is a little confusing. I think it should usually be transitive, requiring an object when used this way. Then in the 3rd line, trees is the subject and if the next, the verb is should be are instead.

Well, let me just take some real liberties with your poem by doing some quick editing. This is by no means intended to be a finished product but maybe it will provide a starting point for much deeper discussion.

   Walking under the Moon,
   The wind is roaring in madness,
   It's five past twelve in the morning.
   Silence.

   The light is wiping itself away,
   I can see the Moon no more,
   The trees that were waving at me
   Now are fading away,
   Away into Nevereverland.

   Suddenly I realize
   I'm the only one on the street,
   Alone.
   Only darkness walks by my side.
   I hear a sound,
   Someone playing a piano,
   Who is it?

   The music is soft yet harsh.
   It is getting louder and louder
   As I approach the end of the street.
   I hear a voice from a far distance,
   A sobbing voice of a child,
   A voice that is hiding.
   From what?

   Following the voice,
   Across the street I see a girl.
   The music has stopped,
   It was from her music box.
   I can see her face now,
   She is just a normal kid,
   Except,
   I can see fear in her eyes.

   Wait a minute,
   It is midnight, that is no kid,
   It is a shadow . . . my own.
   I've never feared darkness
   For it is no stranger to me,
   Yet tonight seems a long cold night,
   I've not been beaten, I'm just scared.
   Of What?

   I know not but I'm waiting,
   Waiting for the first ray of light,
   The Dawn.

Of course, this is all just my humble opinion. But I think I have cleared up most of your significant grammatical flaws and hopefully given a small bit of guidance to help you improve it.

Again, welcome and thanks for posting. I'm sure you will get much more useful advice as soon as some others find the time to drop in here.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

2 posted 2001-09-21 08:57 PM

thank you for replying! Yes, English is my second language. At first when I found the site, I don't dare to post because there are so many good poets here.

Thanks for your correction. It's much better than the original one=) I'm Vivian.

I will try to write a better one.

Love,
Vivian

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