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Critical Analysis #1

S&m

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2001-07-05 10:33 PM

Open up & live the gross
That lurks inside the chest
Now on your knees & clean it up
That filthy human mess

5/17/01

I jotted this down a while ago, and I just can't think of any way to elaborate it or make it longer- what do you guys think of it as is?

everything's fine.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2001-07-05 10:49 PM

er

hmmmmmm

too short?

Good as a beginning.....it definitely needs elaboration. If it's read solely as it is, then it sounds like nothing more than a bitter rant. I don't like the fact that the second and fourth lines both start with 'That.'

It's a potential piece Hush

I am a refugee of logic...insisting
on unlikely land with every step.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2001-07-06 08:58 AM

I also think it needs more. And I really hate that & instead of and. It just looks lazy and doesn't seem to contribute anything.

Pete

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