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Heat
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Heat |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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we had wanted ambience, not comfort, now hot, heavy, sultry summer air laid around us, as we sat amongst so many scantily clad others at the outdoor cafe, feeling the heat rise from the cobblestones beneath our feet, only to be trapped by the umbrellas above our heads. we sipped tall, icy drinks, cooling our insides, speaking languidly of our plans. our waiter told a joke, and we laughed politely, but with no sincerity, we picked at our salads, the heat had robbed more than just our energy and our sense of humor, we rose to leave, one single thought between us, yes, we were acquiescing to the weather, the thought - a bed in an air-conditioned hotel room, time to refresh, to energize, a cool respite from the heat. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-29-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this. You have a good flow of imagery going. A few things- 'as we sat amongst so many scantily clad others' This line struck me as unnatural- it's the word amonsgt. It's one of those words that rubs me the wrong way, b/c people use it and think 'oh, hey look at me now I'm a poet,' maybe I sound condescending but I'm sure you've seen what I'm talking about. I don't think you sound like that, because the rest of the poem speaks for itself- but the word ( as well as the general phrasing) set this line out like a sore thumb to me. 'we picked at our salads,' Maybe a semi-colon or dash instead of a comma here? I see where you pick the same idea back up in the next line, but it's almost like an offhanded comment that deserves a bigger pause than a comma, but not the finality of a period. 'and our sense of humor,' I think this line calls for a period. Other than those small things, good poem. everything's fine. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris. Nice visuals you have created here. But that's nothing new for you. I sort of agree with Hush on amongst, not that it sounds poetically forced but just that it sounds out of place, probably archaic. Among says the same thing and sounds so much more natural. Interesting observation, the umbrellas trapping the rising heat. We usually see them as blocking the heat from above. At first it seemed wrong but on second reading, I think it adds a lot. I think my favorite lines are, quote: But closely rivaled by, quote: which gave me a whole new perspective on the poem. Thanks, Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 07-02-2001).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hush, Thanks for reading and for your comments. I probably would, upon rewrite, use "among" instead of "amongst". Don't even really know why I used it. It just sort of came out there as I wrote. I certainly didn't contemplate using it. I appreciate you pointing that out. Thanks, Kris Dear Pete, Thank you, as always, for your kind words, and I hope they are "with sincerity". The bed in the air-conditioned hotel room was for RESTING!!!!   "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Resting? Right, that's exactly what I meant.  Whatever  Thanks, Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Now Pete...I know you believe me when I say that I meant just resting, and that you also read it that way, because you're such a sweet and gentle guy who would never, ever percieve something in a manner it was not meant to be percieved in ... right?    Kris  "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 07-02-2001).] |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Warmhrt, the poem feels disjointed. That was my instant reaction. I feel as if you have great material and atmosphere on this one, but it almost seems unfinished. I could not grasp what it was really trying to say. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yesh, It was not a poem of meaning at all, but one of imagery alone...meant to make the reader imagine the scene, perhaps feel the way the characters would feel in such heat. Maybe not your type of read, but I've written many like this. Thanks for reading and for your comments. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
hey, i dug the sensual feast ya gave here, you did a good job with the imagery, it actually made me think of home (i live in new orleans, a tourist hot spot) i really liked the beginning of the poem 'cause it had a beatik feel to it, i dug it "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks, rich-pa. I'm glad that reading this made you feel the heat, and reminded you of home....it was a fine compliment. Thanks again, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Ok, viewed from that perspective it makes sense. Thanks for the explanation. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed reading this but you know the usual -- prune and cut to emphasize the images over the conversational tone. That doesn't mean I didn't like it though. Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yes, Brad, I know the usual...but thanks so much for taking the time to read and to comment. I do appreciate it. I hope fatherhood is all that you thought it would be, and more (besides stinky diapers). Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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