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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dr. Jo-Bizz Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 97
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bitterness of death flows from two souls, taints every breath. smoldering rage, saturation of perverted pride lies! whispered by the darkest of messengers and treasured up in dying human minds. their spoken daggers pierce old scabs, reciprocating hatred for hatred in endless momentum of imagined injustice- while blood drips gushes from emotional wounds left unstaunched, rubbed with the salt of malicious tears from the slitted eyes of a serpent. my blood mingles with theirs while being trapped between two I love, beaten down by a storm of anger beyond comprehension. stretched by their seperation, until ties to each and to me slowly, painfully rip my heart in two, useless halves. But His word was in my heart |
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| © Copyright 2001 Dr. Jo-Bizz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jonathon A. Lowry Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 38 |
whats up doc beautifully put your imagery gave me chills i felt as if i was in your mind i am very impressed nice work jonathon |
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scout Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175no place owns me |
So gothic, How can I be brutal when you already have? I shall pray for your soul that your heart may be one in the Lord, and never factioned towards anything except that of which God has given you. And you shouldn't huff stuff, because that's a no no! tsk tsk... (I really like the poem, even though it's dark, i don't know why it's dark, tell me why is it dark?) In His Presence, xscoutx |
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the_rescue Member
since 2001-05-23
Posts 316Japan |
jo is this what I think it's about that thing you asked me to pray about last week cause if so i can understand where these feelings are coming from, I hope all is better soon. As for the poem itself I liked it there is something about your writting that has a sense of power as well as visualization and such. you capture the readers attention from the start which is always a good thing. Later The Rescue we fall like the stars then rise like the sun..Repentence.Forgiveness.We are blame worthy hold us to our wrongs..but don't hold our wrongs against us |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think your wording is too distant- like 'the darkest of messengers'? Nobody I know of would talk like that, and while a poem isn't supposed to mirror everyday speech exactly, it shouldn't be that far of a cry from it (in my opinion at least). It just makes it sound really unnatural and forced. I also think this imagery has been used over and over again- the more you read, the more you'll see it- and the more bored you'll get of it. It's a starting point, but focusing on the way you would really talk is a good way to get out of that habit. Hope I helped a bit. everything's fine. |
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Dr. Jo-Bizz Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 97 |
scott, you know i only huff animal crackers, and i've even cut back on that.... its dark because this part of my life is dark. jimmy, thanks for the encouragement. yes you are correct. please keep praying. hush, thanks for the critism. i will take that to heart. they say the same things of my sister's poetry also; perhaps its a family trait? and i tend towards imagery because i am an artist and to me i must see things even through my words. But His word was in my heart |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Jo, firstly I really enjoyed this poem and from the images and your replies to the others I can tell that the subject matter is quite personal so I don't want to let rip. Very powerful images, very visual, and being an artist can help, I know (if you can call animation an art form..maybe maybe not, not talking Disney here by the way) but my one problem and I think Hush touched on this is the type of images you used, classic gothic images... serpents, daggers.. I think you can see where I am going with this. As an artist I am sure that you can create more less used images. Personally I think it would give the poem more impact, and show off your poetic skill more. enjoyed the read. "Like Sand underneath the snow, I make you mine." Kristin Hersh |
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