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The decaying horse
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The decaying horse |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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I have flogged your hide, beaten bruised loved and abused. You were woman wounded the mortal victim child bearer and venom kiss. In the twilight air you cancelled the wild children's circle dance, fed them the poison apple entrancing those fairies in the light of cleansing scorn. Erase the disease disassociate chastity from jealous stars and shaman jewellery. Woman you were the fairest sex, the dead horse was your creation meat. Sodom, the bells toll. I have dreamt of you in hazy summer, You could crucify me for such thoughts; Youthful boys crawl through the cornfields prising their muscles and scattering seeds. You were man brutal in embrace and tender in violence, you cancelled the dawn and its senseless glitter. You spat out blest wine dogs lapping vile fluids at your feet. Man you were the terrorist sex, the hunter brooding over the severed maiden, blind she awaits your juices to devour, in your shadow she cowers. Underneath the tower the preacher, sexless, torches the horse's eyes. The nag screams, the stallion pillages The donkey serves, the ass carries the insult. All these creatures are dignified to insignificance. The Great Gods flog the decaying flesh Their actions eclipse joy, penetrating childhood. Shalom, the grave is dug. Enter brother and sister redemption washes your feet. Pound your fists upon the imperial gates, Demand your birthright, your piece of skin. Flog the dead horse, in pendulum motion, The bruises beat the paths from Bethlehem to Siberia. Shalom, Shalom, Shalom the last bell tolls. --------- 28-07-00 "Like Sand underneath the snow, I make you mine." Kristin Hersh [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 07-08-2001).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The ONLY criticism I would have of this is the title...tighten it up a bit more...to fit the rest of this well written piece. As always, I stand in awe and amaze.... |
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Dr. Jo-Bizz Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 97 |
...... whoa... um whoa. are you jewish? dr. jo-bizz But His word was in my heart |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Karilea, thanks for the advice. I will see what my muse and pen can do.  Doc.. LOL, close, Catholic. LOL thanks for the comment. "Like Sand underneath the snow, I make you mine." Kristin Hersh |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The first thing I noticed about this is the interesting word texture- you use rough and sharp words, yet at the same time incorporate dreamlike, almost fairy-tale imagery- I really like it. A few things- 'In the twilight air you cancelled the wild children's' -here I don't think cancelled conveys a realistic tone- when i think of cancelling, I think of sending in an envelope, and this poem seems to have a more real feel to it. 'Woman you were the fairest sex, the dead horse was your creation meat.' -good lines that really stood out to me as the foundation of the poem, and the ideas incorporated. It's worded powerfully, and has an almost proverbial resonation to it. In the second stanza, the switch of point of view was confusing to me. On first read, I thought stanza one was speaking thru the man to the woman- but then I can't tell if it's the woman's point of view in stanza two? If so, it's not as convincing- to me it almost seems like an omniscient speaker, or a distant speaker, since he refers to the woman as 'she'. Aside from that, once again, the use of 'cancelled' doesn't seem strong enough, and also 'You spat out blest wine dogs lapping vile fluids at your feet.' To me sounds a little hokey and the vile fluids bit is overused in the vast realm of crappy goth poetry anyway. You seem like you could do better with it. 'Underneath the tower the preacher, sexless, torches the horse's eyes.' -now this confused me too, because in stanza one, you ended with the same subject (woman) it started with- and here you go from man to preacher- are you intending to say they are the same, or are you changing the subject of the stanza? it wasn't really clear. The next stanza I think is a good representation of a climax, it has an obvious abusive theme, and almost an apocalyptic tone- the leadup, however, needs some clarity, because I'm not really understanding what this climax is.... Also, I would get rid of the phrase 'decaying flesh'- that's another boring goth poetry cliche. the next stanza I like- to me it seems they are new fresh blood, redeemed by virtue of innocence- hence the clean feet. Or maybe it's like a born-again Cristian analogy, with the brother and sister representing a strong love, but sinless all the same since it is a family bond.... and perhaps the brithrite is the dead horse itself? And the last stanza reinforcing that by showing that no matter what, we incessantly beat the dead horse? I like your take on the old saying. The Sodom and Shalom references escaped me, because I'm very ignorant of biblical events- could you explain them to me a bit for the context of the poem? overall, this was an enjoyable read- thanks for provoking my brain cells. everything's fine. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hush, phew. THnaks for the very thorough critique. OK I guess cancelled is a bit clinical and does not quite fit, it just seemed unusual to the word in that context and that is why I used it. With the second stanza the speaker remains the same, it is an exploration of a person's relationship to both genders. "'You spat out blest wine dogs lapping vile fluids at your feet." yeah I see your point, I can be guilty of clinches, darn and I liked that image, I was going to sort of bibical talk but perhaphs "the seed of Adam" or "Eden's spoils" might be better, less obvious choices anyway. Perhaps the preacher line should be on a seperate paragraph, a line on it's own. I guess the motif of the poem is the catholic church's realtionship with sex and gender, seeing from the eyes of a person who is caught between their faith and the desires. The end parts are about how people follow, assume the roles that their faith gives them, That is the reason for the reference to flogging the dead horse. I am not attacking people's faith, but I guess my point is to be wary of the rituals of faith, not to be brainwashed by them. Sorry I am terrible at explaining my poetry. The brother and sister line is a reference to the thought "every man is your brother" Sodom is a bibical reference and shalom is a jewish greeting. It is there to act as a chant or part of a prayer in the poem. I will scrap the decaying flesh line, change flesh to horse. "Like Sand underneath the snow, I make you mine." Kristin Hersh |
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Dr. Jo-Bizz Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 97 |
i think i guessed jewish because of "shalom", firstly, and secondly, because of the "bethleham to siberia" phrase. it made me remember how people were sent to siberian concentration camps during the holocaust. ah well. jo-bizz But His word was in my heart |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hmm.. I like where you're going with the exploration of both sexes, but I think it needs to be somehow clarified in the poem- since I didn't really see that until you pointed it out. I guess I got confused in stanza two because it starts with the feminine facet of the speaker referring to herself as I, and then switches to she. I think this is really well enforced, a kind of disply of the yin and yang, but there should just be some kind of reinforcement- like even a structural change like text color or alignment (stanza one be left just., stanza two right, or some kind of opposite themes to reflect the duality of human nature? So you don't have to knock the reader on the head, but don't leave them hanging either... especially since they would wonder why you used different formatting, and could then figure it out on their own.) Regarding the end, i assumed the brother thing was that reference, I just think it's interesting how one person can look so differently at one line- because that really brought the entire piece together for me. Once again, thanks for the enjoyable read. everything's fine. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Jo, an interesting take on the poem. WOW I never saw that, I guess it could be about the camps. I had a load of images and a vague central theme and it spring from there that is probaly why it lacks clarity. Hush, thanks again for your comments, I have made some changes to the piece but I always feel strange about going back over a poem that I thought finished, when I go back I tend to mess around too much with the poem, so I am going to think about the changes I will make. Thanks for your advice again, it was very insightful. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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