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What if...
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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What if... |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands 
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It's an oldie, but just for a try-out Shall I be thinking different when one day I would be you Or will I keep by changing some of my own thoughts too That's what my mind keeps busy when sometimes I dream away But never will I know for sure what I will really think that day A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... Feel free to use the pictures on my website. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace&naventryid=100 [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (edited 06-04-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Titia Geertman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Titia, I don't get into CA much, but I do edit my brains out at work, so I would give this a try: *~* Shall I be thinking different when one day I would be you Or will I keep by changing some of my own thoughts too That's when my mind keeps busy as sometimes I dream away But never will I know for sure what I will really thought that day *~* as for the message? Believe it or not, I understand! |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Dear Sunshine, thanks for replying. Below is your sugestion. That's when my mind keeps busy as sometimes I dream away But never will I know for sure what I will really thought that day But (and do forgive me if my English isn't always right): if I say "That's when my mind keeps busy; as sometimes I dream away" it implies time and that's not what I meant. I meant that when I dream away sometimes, those thoughts (of how I would think if I was to change in someone else) pop into my head. So the words "That's what..." is correct I think because 'what' is referring to the lines above. It's what I think about when I dream away. And because it will never happen that I change into another person, I will never know how I will think that day. I wrote this poem after a conversation with a person who said the most awfull things. And that's why the thought came to me if I would think and speak in the same way as that person did if I was to change into him. I could hardly bear the thought, couln't imagine that I would say the same awfull things, so I hoped I would keep some of my own thouhgts too. Nothing serious, just a thought. HOpe my explination makes sense. See you, Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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KirstyOHara New Member
since 2001-06-07
Posts 9Australia |
Hi there, Well I feel that I am loosing touch with poetry now as I have read almost everypost on here today and found that no one writes like I do anymore. I guess that is a good thing though as that could get pretty boring. I just thought that I would let you know that I did enjoy the poem. I dont get into the CA much so I will just say that is was great. Have a nice day |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Thank you so much for stopping by. I sure would want to read one of your poems, for every poet write with a different pen, that's the interesting part of roaming through Passions. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
OK, Titia. First I want to express my admiration for you. I have trouble with English, let alone another language. First, let's talk about meter. Your line counts are 8776 7788. Your rhyme is in the second and fourth lines. Now look at this: Shall I be thinking different when one day I would be you Or will I keep by changing some of my own thoughts too That's what my mind keeps busy when sometimes I dream away But never will I know for sure what I will really think that day Now you have two couplets. Let's see what we can do with the meter: shall I think differently when one day I would be you Or will I keep by changing many of my own thoughts too That's what my busy mind keeps when sometimes I dream away I will never know for sure what I will think 'til that day Now you have line counts of 7777 7777 or, if you want rhyming couplets, four lines with 14 counts each: shall I think differently when one day I would be you Or will I keep by changing many of my own thoughts too That's what my busy mind keeps when sometimes I dream away I will never know for sure what I will think 'til that day If I have confused you, I'm sorry. I do want you to know that there are NO RULES to what you like in poetry. If it speaks to you, go for it! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the idea of the poem (identity is always fun to play with) but I felt that you were writing around the topic rather than discussing what you actually thought or what you might think if you were another person. If you add some of the actual thoughts, I think this would be a lot more interesting. The best line has to be: "That's what my mind keeps busy" as opposed to That's why my mind keeps busy (passive) or That's when my mind keeps busy (passive) It fits the theme of the poem and creates and active feel to the whole line. The mind keeps what busy? The thoughts and speculations of the first stanza but you separate the speaker from 'the mind' thereby creating, in a sense, two minds -- the mind that keeps busy those thoughts and the mind that can see that mind doing that. Great! Brad |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Thank you all so much for your answers. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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