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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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PiXiEpUnKeR Junior Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 49IL, USA |
I'm filled with RAGE sadness, envy, and hate I did this to you but my feelings and yours simply do not relate I hope it was worth it keeping it deep inside you you made me wait to hurt and now it's all through What were you thinking? with her lips touching yours? I'll just leave, don't worry no hurt anymore I just wish that you told me I'm your angel, your everything I dont want this brought up when we're reminiscing I love you baby I hate to cry I want to stay here I can't pass this by Just tell me you're sorry that you want to be with me our love will pass these obstacles just wait, we'll see |
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| © Copyright 2001 Andriana Fico - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You do mention the actual situation but the speaker never really deals with it, indeed one could easily read this as a power play. The speaker causes the anger, tells the other character what to do, and claims that as long as you do what I say, everything will be okay. Not exactly the start of a healthy relationship if you ask me (note: I'm obviously not commenting on anything real, only the poem. It would be silly for me to question anything that actually happened). Suggestions: 1. Shift to third person narration and tell us the story. 2. Drop the rhyme. Specific comments: I'm filled with RAGE sadness, envy, and hate --don't tell us this, show us this. Make me feel why you would feel this way. I did this to you --Show us how you pressured the character into kissing another. but my feelings and yours simply do not relate --rather final given the rest of the poem. I think giving us the picture would be clearer. I hope it was worth it keeping it deep inside you you made me wait to hurt and now it's all through --doesn't really add anything. What were you thinking? with her lips touching yours? I'll just leave, don't worry no hurt anymore --Are you sure you want to know? I just wish that you told me I'm your angel, your everything --How do you know? A lot to play with here if you explore it more. I dont want this brought up when we're reminiscing --contradiction of course. Tell me but don't tell me kind of thing. This could be a lot of fun -- a poem in itself. I love you baby I hate to cry I want to stay here I can't pass this by --more like song lyrics. Just tell me you're sorry that you want to be with me --but if it's not sincere . . .? our love will pass these obstacles just wait, we'll see --You have conflict and resolution and that's a good thing but everything takes place off stage. Don't hold back, tell us the story. The feelings will follow. Just an opinion, Brad |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this poem could really go somewhere if you expand upon it- I agree w/ Brad- don't tell us about RAGE, sadness, envy, hate, and hurt- show us- give these vague concept words some flavor and character of their own. In my opinion, you could stay away from them altogether and use descriptions in their place, but if you must use them, offset their commonplace dullness w/ some really good adjectives or buildups.... [This message has been edited by hush (edited 06-10-2001).] |
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