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Outside My Bedroom Window
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Outside My Bedroom Window |
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PiXiEpUnKeR Junior Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 49IL, USA |
Fresh cut blades and pear colored leaves uncontrollable laughter and running from bees Shoot down the ramps and jump from the swings run with the squirrels and feed every bird that sings Cool beads of sweat "Mommy, just a little more!" "We stll haven't decided the winner of the war!" Attack from the slide hide on the merry-go-round Sooner or later She's captured on the ground Rolling amongst the beating down heat "Kids come on! It's time to eat!" The was left at a draw they jump over the logs an undecided victory forgotten for hotdogs |
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| © Copyright 2001 Andriana Fico - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think you have a really good idea with this, but it could use a bit more innovation and structural freedom. This would do better as more of a free-verse, I think (but I'm anti-rhyme in about 90% of all poems, so my opinion is biased  ) I really like the idea of the recollection of childhood here, and for the most part I think you have a good solid base, but not enough detail. If you have to keep the rhyme, I would eliminate the short 4-line stanza structure, and use longer lines w/ rhyme occasionallly thrown in... I think that usually works better than the ABCB structure.If I had a soul I sold it |
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