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Amateur Insomniac
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Amateur Insomniac |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Amateur Insomniac by Kirk T Walker All camp is dead except for I, amateur insomniac, awake by will to hear shrill voices thrill and watch a log consumed. Coal crackles like crisped rice, Glows warmer-than-the-sun orange. Owls cry there part, and crickets conduct. The raspy croak of a bull frog sounds like fresh footprints on the gravel bar. Flashlights are blinding and unnatural and afterwards you can step into the darkness like a coffin and hear the mournful cry of coyotees or their chorused yips. Logs lie half-alive with fire, half-dead in the security of the gravel. Fire is flickering, lickering, strobing flames of bright gold and blue-violet like long hair from a convertible top or like tongues like striking snakes and leaping, lurching, returning nymphs. No one snores, thank God. If they would, they might ruin the sound of a single crackling twig. Crisp. Mother Earth is settling like the old home she is. Still. No more marshmallow toasting, hot dog roasting, ghost stories, singing. Not tonight, not this early morning. The constant and soothing ratcheting of catie-dids tempt my eyelids shut. There is a certain uneasiness that comes from being not home or from being home after being away so long. Black fluctuating orbs dance as they hover under lit torches like dark spirits, the cry of the owl personified. There is the sound of leaves settling with the dew, moonlit creek banks the color of bone, the distant cows who have long stopped bawling, and I, amateur insomniac. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Kirk, This is a good poem. I felt you captured that moment quite well and was impressed that you didn't try to compress it. The length really seemed to help here. Structurally, it seems a little uneven here, a little forced there but these are minor points because overall, I enjoyed reading this. Thanks, Brad |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
For the most part, I love this- my favorite part was "Fire is flickering, lickering, strobing flames of bright gold and blue-violet" it seems like you has an idea and really went with it- I love your word, lickering.... it's quite beautiful. A couple of things that bugged me about this, tho- "awake by will to hear shrill voices thrill" -Ack! drop one of the "-ill"s, my suggestion, shrill- it upsets the beat, and the rhyme is too much for such a small space. "Owls cry there part" -their, you mean? "like long hair from a convertible top or like tongues like striking snakes" -All the "like"s has me thinking of Barbie in her plastic pink convertible.... I would suggest ommitting "like tongues"- it's overdone anyway- and just using "or striking snakes"- Also, your last line is begging for something- "and I, amateur insomniac." some action on your part, even something passive, like "observe alone" would give it a resolution. It felt too cut off, to me at least. Other than these tiny nit-picks, I really enjoyed this. Your imagery and language are fantastic. If I had a soul I sold it |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
brad and hush: I actually wrote this "on site" at about 3 a.m. by campfire light--deciphering my scribbles the next day was pretty tough. This is pretty much the original 3 a.m. version, so it still needs substantial revision. Thank you both for your critiques and I appreciate very much your "nit-picking"--which is very very valid when examining poetry because it is such a condensed form. You both express some good points. Hush, I will especially refer to your critique when revising this poem. Thank you very much. |
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