Blonde on Blonde Version 2

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Sundown
Junior Member

since 2001-06-04

Posts 16
does it really matter?

0 posted 2001-06-04 11:42 PM

*Okay, this is the second version, I took heed to the suggestions of more imagery... truly, after reading over the origional version, I figured it could use more... tell me if you like this one better*

"Blonde on Blonde" (Version 2)
By Sundown.

Chords, notes
ringing the bells
of times before
I was even born
the tenement, the loft
and the visions
of a lover lost
floating above the city moon.
Years away,
I am dissipating
into cigarette smoke
listening
closely
picturing the empty lots
where the ladies
play blind man's bluff
in the bitter November
leaves turning
dying
dancing in a
guitar rythym
and the apartment
sitting alone
detached
from the rest of the building
where they smoke
and sing along
with a country station
that never seems
to turn off.
Blues of the road
the dust swirling
under the wheels of the
greyhound bus
that carries insatiable bones
to yet another
barren destination.
I can feel his voice
shaking the ground
traveling
through the lowlands
hard, sad eyed ladies
clutch their rosary beads
their eyes
incable of any more
tears,
heads hidden
shining raven tresses
covering
the memories of
a young desperado.
I follow behind him
as he describes their
hollow faces,
full lives,
and quiet desperation
in beautiful detail.

"She's been looking like a queen in a sailor's dream, and she don't always say what she really means"

[This message has been edited by Sundown (edited 06-04-2001).]

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2001-06-05 01:23 PM

Wow. I think you have developed the ideas of the previsou poem into many specific and vivid images very well. While I am not generally an advocate of quanity, when the quality of the work does not suffer from it, but, rather, improves as in this piece, it is a good thing. Nice revision/rewrite.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2001-06-06 12:00 PM

I like this too. Only one thing bugged me-
"incable of any more
tears,"
is a bit cliche- even if you just replaced incapable or tears with a suitable synonym that was a little less common- but overall, it really doesn't hurt the quality of this. Fantastic expansion- you didn't lose the rhythm of the first version.

If I had a soul I sold it
for pretty words

-Allen Ginsberg

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