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Ideas Lost
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Ideas Lost |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Ideas Lost by Kirk T Walker Undoubtedly, countless genius ideas have been lost to the ages, to wandering minds, for lack of pencil, paper, literacy, or as is often times my case, penmanship: my legitimate ideas are lost to illegible scribbles. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
very true its sad to see it...this was a great poem...i enjoyed this read a lot...keep writing kirk...as hope to see more...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 05-24-2001).] |
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Kurt Rhys Junior Member
since 2001-05-08
Posts 23 |
Ah, but you see what losses have inspired in you.....lose more and stay productive! |
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RLS106 New Member
since 2001-03-31
Posts 7TX, U.S. A. |
I have felt the same many times myself, and know and important building block was lost with the flight of thier guile. I never thought that art in any form had to suffer to grow; thats for the dysfuctionail. (c) RLS 1975-2001,ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I often wonder about the words unwritten the ones we hack mercilessly from a verse to make it flow better, do they not have their place also. For every poem written there are ten unwritten. Glad that you were able to capture this one. "across the unfair divide |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
I like this Kirk - gently witty! Only two small suggestions - maybe "BY wandering minds", if that doesn't alter your intended meaning - and maybe lose the "are" in the last line ie. my legitimate ideas lost to illegible scribbles. It just seems sharper. The SOUND of 'legitimate' is right, but not sure about the meaning - is there a stronger word you could use? But these are quibbles - it's neat! |
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
Kirk- Though this poem is much like others I have seen you post, I don't think it is quite as sharp as some of your others. You have a good sense of what it means to have brevity, and I think you usually use that technique to your advantage. However, this time, I think that the feel and look of the poem is a little bit lacking. Foremost, I think my problems with this one begin with your line breaks. Because they are how they are, the rythm seems choppy and hasty. I would suggest condensing the first two or three lines into a single first line, and so on for the rest of the poem. I also question your use of "literacy." It just doesn't seem to fit with your later use of pen, paper and illegible scribbles. Lastly, your ending seems predictable. It does not seem like the release of sustained emotion that I, as a reader, usually look for in a poem. Because of this, the more I read your poem, the less I feel that it leaves somethig with me. I usually enjoy your poems and enjoy your brevity, however, in my opinion, this one falls a bit short of your other, more interesting and challenging poems. I think this is due in part to the choice of subject matter, and in part to the organization of the words. I'm not sure how much effort you want to spend on revising this poem. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Thanks everyone for the comments! Some very in depth and helpful critiques. I truly appreciate it. Joricho: Good suggestions. The word legitimate is meant to (whether it does or not) echo of its opposite "illegitimate" hence calling to mind the notion of b*st*rd thoughts that never get fully recoginized. Greg_s: Yes, I agree that this one is perhaps less poetic and more idea-driven than some of my others. The line breaks may be more to disguise the prose-like nature of this work--nevertheless, they do indicate slight pauses which were intentional if not effective. I could have said pencil, pen or the ability to use them, but I thought literacy was more concise. I appreciate your thoughtful response and agree that ultimately this poem would take much effort to make especially great, I just hope it displays the more or less simple idea effectively. |
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
Kirk- As the others have posted in threads above this one, you have conveyed the idea well. I just wanted to give a critique with some of your past poems in mind, (which I happen to like better). You do, however, posit your idea well, and I think you do the short poem quite well. Looking forward to your next one. Greg |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Added on to the other suggestions above...I want to look at your use of punctuation. I don't think you need it. Should you retain your current line breaks - or even alter them - they are sufficient within themselves without burdening the poem with punct. I like the idea of the ending, however I wonder if you haven't overstated it? Overall, I like this poem Kirk...  K |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Just to come back on what others have said, it seemed to me that this was a fairly light poem. I assumed it was not an overly serious lament for lost ideas, but more a wry reflection on the many that pass us by. So "genius" is half tongue-in-cheek. Am I right? Because I think it holds up at that level, but not as a serious comment on genius. I thought Greg's comments were really excellent, and I do think you've written more incisive poems, but perhaps that has put a weight of expectation on this that is unhelpful. As a reflective little sigh it works. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Greg: Thanks for the follow-up response. SEvern: I disagree with your suggestion that punctuation "burdens" a poem. I think it comes down to stylistic differences, although I will admit that if the punctuation is inaccurate or too complex it can be distracting. However, lack of punctuation can also be as distracting if the reader has to spend extra time deciding what is meant. I try to do poems without punctuation when it is appropriate and just to play with different styles, but usually I include punctuation as a stylistic default. There does seem to be a lot of punctuation in this poem though. I will consider you comments, thank you very much for the suggestion. Joricho: yes, light. Genius-ideas was meant tongue-in-cheek. Not that the ideas were actually genius, but that they were valid, useable, etc. For instance, when you are driving home and you think of a great idea for a poem, but then realize there is no paper or pencil in the car--no big deal you'll write it down when you get home. Except then you can't remember. Or if you do scribble it down while battling traffic you can't even decipher what it says by the time you find it lying in the floorboard among the taco bell cups a month later. et cetera. Thanks for your comments. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this- I agree w/ Joricho's phrasing suggestions, and I think you should combine the first three lines, while keeping the punctuation intact. Other than that, nice- light, sarcastic, witty, and even wistful- the wording makes the last two lines flow quickly, creating the sense of a quick punchline. If I had a soul I sold it |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Kirk, i have nothing constructive to say i just wanted to add this into my library Good thoughts!!  |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Thanks for the comments. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kirk, You spelled this out so nicely... It's happened to me dozens of times. Great ideas...no paper...no pen. Lost to memory. I'm sure it happens to everyone. Can you imagine all the wonderful stuff floating around, waiting to be written down? Loved this! Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Warmhrt: I'm glad you liked it, thanks for the comments. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
While this reminds me of a poem, I've been planning to write for a while (and haven't but not for lack of paper and pencil, just sheer laziness) and while I won't deny that my first reading did involve a certain involvement (you build it up well), it's just too general for my taste. Write about a specific idea. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Thanks for the comments, Brad. |
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