»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Metamorphosis
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Metamorphosis |
|
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
|
The wind, it howled as if it's wrath was freed, It spiraled, with the clouds so dark and deep, Earth's veil split into heaven, crimson's bleed, From shadows rose the moon, it birthed from sleep, The globe, full, luminous, needed no tie, No connections to the heavens just above, It took it's place within the dark night sky, For placing wishes on, for those in love. She woke next morning; sensed a diff'rence there, She felt it in the air, within her bones, He seemed to not give notice or a care, She felt as if reborn; her eyes, they shone. As from the crimson shadows rose the moon, A butterfly slipped from her tight cocoon. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-02-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
The beginning of this poem contains a lot of excellent imagery, but some later lines become more and more telling and less showing. For instance compare: "The wind, it howled as if it's wrath was freed" with "It took it's place within the dark night sky". The second line, which occurs later in the poem contains an image, but it is as stale as a week old cracker. "the dark night sky" is far too general. I would advise taking some of the images already mentioned and making them more specific. A good metaphor and great sound in the last 2 lines: "As from the crimson shadows rose the moon,/A butterfly slipped from her tight cocoon" Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Kris: Long time no see. Anyway, I only have time for a very short critique after a relatively quick read. My first impression is that you've allowed the form of the sonnet to exert too much control on the flow of the poem. In order to preserve iambic meter, it seems, at times, that you've inserted words in places and modified a few phrases so, to me, they just didn't seem to read naturally. The couplet, I think, was somewhat redeeming and sounded pleasing enough to my ear. Also, the thematic shift between the first eight lines and the final six appears to be intact. The last six lines read quite a bit easier than the previous eight with the exception of: "He seemed to not give notice or a care," I think it may read a little more smoothly written: "He seemed to give no notice or a care," Sorry I don't have time for more. Gotta run. Jim |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kirk, Thank you so much for reading and for offering your suggestions. I will seriously consider them on rewriting. Kris Mr. Bouder, Yes...been awhile...haven't been writing much. Ever have a long dry spell? Well, this sonnet is evidence of it. I'm beginning to think I've totally lost my writing abilities...very frustrating. At first I thought this was OK, then I didn't know. I used to know when it was good or bad...I felt it when it was good. I'll quit whining. Nice to hear from you. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Good to see you back. I very well understand the "long dry spell." Pete |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Hi's back to you. You mean the sonnet is soooo bad that you have not a comment at all? Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't know. I see what Jim is saying but I enjoyed reading this (except that 'diff'rence' word). Perhaps it's not as natural sounding as it could be but I think you make up for that with a kind of building energy; I wanted to read more, I felt a rising explosion. The only think I didn't really like was the couplet -- I'm not a butterfly fan (actually, that's not true, I just want to see butterflies in a different symbolic context). Yeah, 'wrath' and 'crimson' were probably too much but, really, I'm not sure that it detracts as much as Jim seems to think. I enjoyed it except for that disappointing ending. Couplets are tough and I think you rushed that part. And the 'diff'rence' thing. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry Kris, that's not it at all. I'm just nose down trying to get a rush project out the door. I'll try to come back later. Pete |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, Sometimes your too macho for your own good. There are things like butterflies, love, dreams, souls, hearts, etc. in your world...accept it! J/K Thanks for reading and for your suggestions...but butterfly stays.It's called "Metamorphosis" after all. What would you have her be? Nice to hear from you, Kris Pete, I totally understand. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
