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Critical Analysis #1

Cinquains Are Fun

KwiatMan
Junior Member

since 2001-05-19

Posts 17
Florida

0 posted 2001-06-01 08:56 PM

Double Trouble

Doc said
priapism.
There may not be a cure.
Returning home, he asked for help.
Headache!

Jan.

[This message has been edited by KwiatMan (edited 06-02-2001).]

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2001-06-02 07:29 AM

Ok...I cannot say a word on the structure of a cinquain because I am IGNORANT about them lol...

But...I will say that nuzzled close is...icky. Maybe that's because I personally don't like the word - one of those words that for me is synonymous with fingernails down a blackboard really. But I did try to be objective..

don't like the two exclamation marks - just one will suffice I think...

I like this:

'Doc said
priapism'

good tone to it...I think that for very short poems, sound is quite important...this works..

hmm...pounding heart could be called a cliche, but honestly - I quite like it in this context...

It is to do with tree-ferns:
mamuka, pongo, wheki.
Shelter under here is so easily understood.
From 'Hope', by Dinah Hawkins

KwiatMan
Junior Member

since 2001-05-19

Posts 17
Florida

2 posted 2001-06-02 08:06 PM

Thanks for your time Severn. The critique
was good. The cinquain stinks. I'm not
sure if I can zap it into oblivion or
Brad has to. Somebody should...Jan

[This message has been edited by KwiatMan (edited 06-02-2001).]

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