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Critical Analysis #1
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Rebelious
Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 57
Kansas, USA

0 posted 2001-05-30 09:23 PM


Tell me what you think of this one... sorry for the first one  
"Another Day"


Your love was lost to me..
I don't know if I ever had it
Or if you ever felt it..
all I knew was I always loved you
Maybe I'll get your love another day...
But until this a peice of me is gone
a peice of me I long for
I thought you would be honerd by my love
but I was wrong again..
You took it without saying anything
I wonder if you even knew you had it..
maybe you will relize this another day...
I don't know if I can live without you
I wonder if you feel the same way
All I know is my life is soon to fade
all this chaos is sending me into hell
maybe soon I'll die hopefully not another day....


© Copyright 2001 Dustin Ortiz - All Rights Reserved
Joricho
Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56
Australia
1 posted 2001-05-30 10:48 PM


Don't apologise for your poems - we're all here to learn, and it's always a pleasure to read something from the heart.
You've obviously thought about structure in this poem, and so the neat repetition of the "another day" idea - that's a good sign. It has a nice ballady, folky kind of feel to it that  I like - makes me want to get out my geetar and sing along!
A few suggestions:
1) typos - there's quite a few, (eg: piece, honoured - sorry, honored for you Yanks!) and it's always distracting for the reader. Check carefully before you post!
2) once again, there are too many words without much rhythm. The "I don't know...", "I wonder..." phrases are repetitive without adding much to the meaning. Can I suggest that you look at the poem "For fifty-three years.." (posted earlier in CA) and see how he considers some similar ideas of loss and loneliness. It's a very different style, but see all the interesting imagery?

Hope that's not discouraging - I'm impressed that you're keen to learn, and hope you'll keep it up!

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
2 posted 2001-05-30 11:47 PM


I think this is an improvement from your last post (which, BTW, was nothing to be sorry for, as Joricho said).

The first two things I noticed about this were that you used the word 'love' far too many times, and that you used the trailing periods.... too often. I do believe that they have their place in a wistful pondering piece, but in this, it just serves to weaken the rhythm.

Also, I agree that some of your wording just added syllables w/o reinforcing rhythm or meaning. I think it is important to deliver an idea as succinctly as possible, and this got a bit drawn out.

I do think you are on the right track- you let go of the rhyme, and worked on a more consistent theme- maybe if you could try some imagery- don't tell us what you feel, tell us how you feel it.

If I had a soul I sold it
           for pretty words

-Allen Ginsberg

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
3 posted 2001-05-31 09:49 AM


The language in this work is a little too plain and the ideas a bit to general and cliched.  When revising, try to concentrate on using vivid and original imagery to convey your ideas. Show us, don't tell us.
Here is a list of ideas/themes which you touch on in this poem that have been more or less exhausted by repeated use in poetry and will take a really original twist to make them seem fresh to the reader again.  (my suggestion is to either discard them or maybe choose one and try to present it in a new way): Lost love, unrequited love, eternal love, hope for love, fufilling love or the lack thereof, longing for love, a selfish love, secret love, "I don't know if I can live without you," "I wonder if you feel the same way," death?, chaos, etc.

I hope my comments have been helpful.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


Rebelious
Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 57
Kansas, USA
4 posted 2001-06-01 12:25 PM


YES!! Thank you, I am here to learn and all these posts have helped!!!!  I will take these ideas and try to put them into a poem.   Thanks for the posts again guys.

[This message has been edited by Rebelious (edited 06-01-2001).]

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