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Come Share my Bed
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Come Share my Bed |
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Sweeetsuz Senior Member
since 2000-07-23
Posts 770Fresno CA. |
Come Share my Bed Come and share my bed And lovers we shall be The lonely man said Always cleave unto me I shall ever turn to you Hoping we shall get to wed I shall always be true That very happy man said I will no longer be alone I take you to be my wife You shall be, ever my own Promise to me your life I shall surely share your bed Lovers we shall surely be That so perfect woman said I may need to be set free We shall not take time to wed Only time and more, can tell The beautiful woman said I cannot ever make you well I cannot offer my whole life People will always go away I shall not try to be your wife Never being sure, I will stay. Man, I will come and share your bed Smiling, this was all she said. Narrative poetry is one of the simplest forms, because there is only one basic rule: the poem must tell a story. A ballad is a narrative poem that has a musical rhythm and can be sung. Narrative poems can be funny, sad, or solemn. They can be almost anything! Play with them! Blessed be and merrily met with good thoughts and feelings to all [This message has been edited by Sweeetsuz (edited 05-10-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Suz Madaus - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
I can see what you have tried to do - thanks for the little note on narrative, which as you say, is pretty flexible. But there is just too much repetition and too little story here! I'm sure others will have more to say. Jo Many waters cannot quench love, |
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Sweeetsuz Senior Member
since 2000-07-23
Posts 770Fresno CA. |
Thanks for your critique Joricho, but in ballads remember we have chorus also. Thanks I will think it over tho Blessed be and merrily met with good thoughts and feelings to all |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
sweetsuz-- well, ok. you tell a story of sorts, and i guess that's what you were trying to accomplish. am i missing something, though? is there a reason for the forced and stilted language (other than to force your rhymes)? you're right, the one basic rule of "narrative" poetry -- as opposed to other forms of poetry -- is that it tell a story. but even narrative poetry is POETRY, right? meaning, on an even more fundamental level, if the form in which you attempt to tell your narrative poem is one of trimeter quatrains with an a-b-a-b rhyme scheme (like i think you're trying here?), you should have a pretty good handle on meter and follow it fairly consistently throughout, and avoid repetitve rhymes (such as bed/said, 3 times; wed/said, 2 times; wife/life and life/wife), no? just like any other kind of verse written in this manner? seriously, the meter (or lack of it) is a big problem in this piece; so many lines come off with a very strange, unnatural feel. i think the piece is hampered by the "short" lines of only three stresses. traditional "ballad stanza" is a lovely form that alternates tertrameter and trimeter lines, and it works for a reason: the alternating line lengths keep the rhythm from getting too monotonous, and it just bounces along in delightful fashion. is there a reason why you didn't use it here? i also think you need to decide on your poetic feet: iambic, trochaic, anapestic, dactylic, whatever; you need to establish this early, follow it pretty consistently (though not slavishly) throughout, and make sure that the natural stresses of the words fall in the right places. that way, you'll avoid problems like "You shall be, ever my own / Promise to me your life". read naturally, the stresses in those lines fall like this: you *shall* be EVer my OWN PROMise to ME your LIFE [only a very slight stress on the word 'shall'] but under the dominant meter here, it becomes the very awkward: you SHALL be EVER my OWN proMISE to ME your LIFE with "ever" having to be hurried into a one-syllable word, and the stress on the second syllable of "promise" instead of the first. and i think you're letting the rhymes rule you, rather than the other way around, forcing you into awkward sentences. who actually says stuff like "Always cleave unto me / I shall ever turn to you / Hoping we shall get to wed"? a reeeeeeally lonely man, indeed, and no wonder. my immediate reaction was "she's trying to make it rhyme." ok, i know, it's Poetry. and i'm not one of these people who argue that archaic words and speech patterns have absolutely no place in contemporary poetry. but why here? what does awkward language add to this poem? i think you have the makings of a very interesting narrative poem in here, i really do; "i'll sleep with you, but i won't marry you" isn't something you hear very often, lol, even though people do it every day. (haha, no pun intended, lol.) on that note... i'll shut up now, lol. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-10-2001).] |
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Sweeetsuz Senior Member
since 2000-07-23
Posts 770Fresno CA. |
jenni, you are 100% right and I changed it from the original to suit some other critiques. Maybe I should dust off the original and see what it does.. I am one who also agonizes over wonderful people who try to firce rhyming instead of the other way around, thanks Blessed be and merrily met with good thoughts and feelings to all |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Whatever you do, don't give out your address in a post with this title! You could end up with half of the forum's members putting their cold feet on you. My comments: I agree with what Jenni says about lengthening the lines and was going to say so last night, but put it off until this morning and she beat me to it. I would be interested in seeing the original or a variation with longer line posted onto the end of this thread. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Sweeetsuz Senior Member
since 2000-07-23
Posts 770Fresno CA. |
Thanks for the boost and here is the longer version which might also need some work Come Share My Bed Come to me and share my bed The sad and so lonely man said And great lovers we shall be You would always cleave unto me I shall always be steadfast and true I shall myself ever only for you We may just have some time to wed That very lustful happy man said I shall no longer have to be all alone You shall be with me, forever my own I shall take you to be my true wife Promise to me for your entire life I shall surely share your bed That perfectly beautiful woman said But, I may some day, need to be free Though happy lovers we shall surely be We shall not take the time to wed This brightly beautiful woman said I cannot ever make you well Only time and more, can tell I shall not even try to be your wife Nor will I promise you my whole life In real life people always go away I am unsure that I could ever stay. So, sweet man, I will share your bed She smiled and that was all she said. Blessed be and merrily met with good thoughts and feelings to all |
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