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Critical Analysis #1
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happiness
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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happiness |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
happiness might be a honey-covered ceiling. aren't we all just reaching? and if a little bit should drip seal the mouth of something screaming suffocate it can't we come to kiss the corpse and taste something sweet? (i've felt both the velvet kiss and the abhorred leather glove and i maintain both feel like a fist when applied properly) the candied heads of heroes, and the vultures that wait for the bold to fail aspire towards that ceiling. i want to know will i be stung by reality if i pierce it? because i always thought honey was rather too sweet. "Faith means not wanting to know what is true." Nietzsche |
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| © Copyright 2001 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Roxane, "the candied heads of heroes, and the vultures that wait for the bold to fail aspire towards that ceiling." I would end the poem with this verse and drop the one that follows it. I feel there would be more end impact, and it goes without saying that honey is too sweet from earlier verses. That said, I liked the theme and rolling style alot.  |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Very nice. I agree with coyote's suggestion of ending the poem sooner. You have some very nice original imagery in this poem. I would consider losing the vultures that wait because it seems less original than the rest. I like the "candied heads of heroes" despite the fact that it made me think of a Batman pez dispenser I once had (I wouldn't worry about changing that, I think it is just me!) good alliteration in lines like "seal the mouth of something screaming/ suffocate it" Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
rox-- i really enjoyed this. the first two lines were great (pretty awesome, really); it's a great image, vivid and provocative, and it sets up the whole piece really well. you get so used to seeing silly stuff like "happiness is a warm blanket" or whatever, that when you come across something like "happiness might be a honey-covered cieling," you just know you're in for something really interesting. and you don't let the reader down (not this reader, anyway, lol); after such a strong opening, you go deeper, exploring it, bringing it even more alive. i love how the alliteration later in the first stanza -- the smooth Ss and the hard C and K sounds -- resonates with the soft velvet kiss and the slap of the leather glove in the next... very well done. i also loved the "candied heads of heroes" image. (the vultures didn't bother me for some reason, although i see what kirk is saying.) i don't think the poem ends too soon at all. you bring things back around to where we started, sure, but it's more than a neat little pat ending; you take it even further, and bring what this all means to the speaker into full focus. you make it "personal" with those last four lines, i guess is what i'm saying, as opposed to philosophical, like finding a piece of marble and carving it into a cool little figurine -- still the same rock you started with, but transformed in the end into something unique and meaningful. great job here, rox! thanks for posting this, jenni |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
This poem is good - My personal take on happiness? Its an illusion. This poem drove that home more succintly for me. There were some really great lines.. my fav:(i've felt both the velvet kiss and the abhorred leather glove and i maintain both feel like a fist when applied properly) I'd try to get this published if I were you. And yes, lose the last reference to how sweet honey is, also, the vultures are a little bit troubling, almost like a speed bump. Otherwise one of the best I've read in a long time. Keep it up. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
awesome poem.. i really enjoyed the read.. i have no critism.. great poem.. keep writing   ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Roxane Jenni has covered the main bases I think. One thing I would say though is that you have great sound here. “Ceiling”, “reaching” “screaming” and the long multi syllable words of the opening sound “right” to me and contrast well with the plainer more germanic diction of the last two lines, which appropriately contain a rather blunt and provocative question. A nice example of the use of sound to enhance meaning and effect I thought. In the second stanza the half rhyme of “kiss” and “fist” emphasizes the clash between those to words as well as assisting flow. Good work. Thank you. F [This message has been edited by furlong (edited 05-05-2001).] |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I would suggest be more specific...lose the term "velvet kiss" and the poem seems just a tad too sweet for realism. Kathleen Blake |
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JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
Roxy.... WEll..the poem was awesome.. It seemed so sweet it couldnt be true.. which is a good thing i guess... who knows... but overall it was well done.. -Jeff "If I'm not back in 5 minutes......just wait longer!" |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
happiness might be a honey-covered ceiling. aren't we all just reaching? Nicely done, such an original thought.... and if a little bit should drip seal the mouth of something screaming suffocate it can't we come to kiss the corpse and taste something sweet? I don't think this verse needs (suffocate it, to me sealing the mouth already says it's suffocated) (i've felt both the velvet kiss and the abhorred leather glove and i maintain both feel like a fist when applied properly) this is wonderful! bravo....so good the candied heads of heroes, and the vultures that wait for the bold to fail aspire towards that ceiling. how about, below, I think it reads a little better, it's just a thought the candided heads of heroes, and vultures wait for the bold to fail aspiring towards that ceiling i want to know will i be stung by reality if i pierce it? because i always thought honey was rather too sweet. i do like the ending, but the first lines reads a little ackward...maybe something like this? i want to know, shall I be stung by reality if the ceiling is pierced? I always thought honey was rather too sweet. these minor changes are just that, minor,...as are my critiquing abilities, but I do know what I like.....and this I did! It's original, a fresh approach~ good show! |
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RLS106 New Member
since 2001-03-31
Posts 7TX, U.S. A. |
WOW - this poem is so mulit-level, It will take a while for it's full richness to come to bloom. It seems very personal; and any thing I say would be wrong about the work. But what I see is not Honey as the Bees make but Honey as a spoke word of love and In it's use here that love word is used in death to sumther and control an other happness. Candied heads of Hero's and the vultures that wait for the bold to fall This is a meter that I live with every day. Like drugged desk jockies and thier minons that need to feed of what they are not and remove the bold So that they can stroke thier own eros/ego. (c) RLS 1975-2001,ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. |
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