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Unrequited
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Unrequited |
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peoplelikeus New Member
since 2001-05-09
Posts 4sheffield, england |
Unrequited Yesterday I woke up comatose Soaked to the skin in you I have gone to both extremes Without finding the middle Trying to put my finger on Something I cannot touch Were you there? I'm not sure I would have noticed you Maybe a shadow In the distance Of a long forgotten Memory We were burning The midnight oil Making anagrams Out of love songs And worn out anecdotes It's not the same Anymore I am here Give me a smile I'm waving or drowning I couldn't remember How you do Just glimpses Are all I need To bring you back Where I need you most |
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| © Copyright 2001 Neil Robertson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
P.L. Us First, how about a shorter screen name  ?Second, welcome to CA. Third, is that Sheffield as in cutlery? Nice place I believe. Fourth, (finally, lol), the poem: For me the third line sums it up. It went to extremes (well sort of). From interesting and quite original to merely bland. I suppose the core problem for me was that there wasn't enough solid imagery - not much to grasp hold of (mentally) which enable me to say to myself "yesssss wow, I can SEE that". Perhaps check out jenni's recent poem as an example of the use of language to paint a picture which at the same time conveys an atmosphere and a message. I'm not saying that your poem doesn't have some nice moments, it does. I quite like the opening for instance, and the suggestion implied by the oxymoronic first line, and the second line does indeed have some pictorial force. The next section, up to the only punctuation in the piece, also held my interest in as a fairly original way of presenting a problematic relationship. After that things went downhill somewhat. I'm not sure I would have noticed you Maybe a shadow In the distance Of a long forgotten Memory >>> this comes off as rather mundane - although I like that line break at "sure" - that works well, given the previous question and the subsequent line. Some of the subsequent line breaks do however make me pause and stumble in reading - kind of like moving forward in fits and starts - a car about to run out of gas! We were burning The midnight oil >>> an English poet (Simon Armitage), from your neck of the woods, I believe, makes it his trademark to use well know saying and phrases that would normally be considered cliche. I'm not sure that doing it here however adds anything to the poem. Making anagrams Out of love songs And worn out anecdotes >>> this was the other part I liked. There is something tangible here. (Was worn out anecdotes intended to allude to the "burning midnight oil"? Which isn't really an anecdote - so I guess not?) It's not the same Anymore I am here Give me a smile I'm waving or drowning I couldn't remember How you do Just glimpses >>> maybe you intended the broken and disjointed lines to reflect the "glimpses"? I'm personally not a great fan of unpunctuated writing like this, and again we seem to be back to rather abstract language. Are all I need To bring you back Where I need you most >>> small sections of this indicate that you could write something a good deal better. I hope I haven't been too negative, I didn't mean to be, I guess this is just a mite too abstract for my taste, anyway, as always that's only my opinion. I hope to see more of your writing here, and once again, "welcome". F |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
HI People like us! I was in Sheffield 3 years ago and went walking in the Peak District in the wind and the rain - LOVED it! However, down to business. Like Furlong, I thought the beginning was great - it reaches out and grabs you, and is a convincing image of emotional hangover (yes?) This sets you up really well. However from this point on, until the final stanza, I felt you were missing a sense of direction in the poem. The title makes it clear what the dominant experience is, but it's difficult to actually identify how that experience has felt for the speaker, because the imagery does swing between a bit obscure and a bit obvious. I felt as though you had some powerful ideas and images, which are really worth working on - I'd love to see it after you'd worked on it a bit. Hope that's helpful - I've found the harshest comments the most useful myself!  Jo Many waters cannot quench love, |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Welcome to CA. I like your screenname. The imagery was abstract and at times transparent, overall you do acheive 2 things 1)the "emotional hangover" that Joricho mentions 2)a mood However, I think that both could be more defined if you used more clearly defind imagery. DEFINITELY lose the cliches "burning the midnight oil" "trying to put my finger on". Waving or drowning is also cliche and I would lose it but I wanted to note a possible reference to the Stevie Smith poem Not Waving, But Drowning. http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?prmID=1845 I hope my comments were helpful. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (edited 05-09-2001).] |
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peoplelikeus New Member
since 2001-05-09
Posts 4sheffield, england |
hi everyone. thanks for all your critiques. the poem is intended to be a collection of disjointed thoughts about someone i thought i loved and then lost. it tries to show how the memory of that person fades, therefore showing that it was not love at all. the cliches in the poem were intended to be used to show the worn, over-used nature of the word "love," that we use it so much to people that don't matter, that we soon forget. but just because some of the phrases are cliche, does that make them any less true? anyway, i think i'll redraft it, just to see if i can better emphasise the points above. Thanks anyway PeopleLikeUs ps. i have further poems at www.postpoems.com, under the same user name. pps. yes furlong, sheffield as in cutlery, not that many of the factories exist now.....  |
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