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Battle Sequence
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Battle Sequence |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
By the dim light of conflict, I write myself letters Telling stories of the day's battles. No poetry romance can grace these tales: The truth must be told as the truth. Words thrown from victim to aggressor No fists but unmarked bruises left. They pause - only to reload Then fire at illusions, deceptions, confusions Hurt no one else can see. Smoke fills the room, spreads Through the house, drifting Up to where I am trying to hide under covers. No alarms sound. It's only Gunpowder and no danger to this house. The explosions continue in silence. Can't hear them but know they're there. Soon the battle's changed locations, soldiers Taken up camp inside my head. No one seems phased in the least: It's all just normal family life. It's what I live with Every Single Day. It is time to prepare myself for war. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Ashley, I think this is the best piece you've posted here. The imagery is good as well as the flow. The only thing I have to tweek is the title. I would probrably allude to the real subject matter of the poem instead of the metaphor. Of course that's just me. JMHO.  J Jason |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
I thought this was powerful stuff. You sustain and explore this metaphor really well. Can I be picky, though? Maybe another word other than "unmarked" for the bruises in stanza 2 - the bruises are invisible - it's the skin that's unmarked. Also, I feel like the last line is a bit dramatic. The "war" is not gung-ho -- it's tragic, and the power of your poem is the parallel between the destructiveness of war and what's happening here. Am I right? Your last line makes it sound a bit like Rambo. Many waters cannot quench love, |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Jason, You replied first, so I'll address your comments first. Thanks a whole lot!!! Oh boy! What did you see in this that you didn't see in the others? I know I've been trying to get away from rhyming and trying out other things, (and I remember that this one was really cathardic and came out of pure emotion) but if you could point out what it was about this poem that made it my best post in your opinion, then I could be sure to do whatever it was more often. =) As for the title, yeah. I can see what you mean. I think I intended it to be sort of an ironic one, so that it would bring out the theme of unreality that I thought permeated the poem. One the one hand, it's dramatic; but on the other, there's this sort of distant, cool narrator commenting on the action like it's just a battle sequence in a movie or something. Does your complaint still hold? I'm still considering other titles... Joricho, Thanks for your comments. I know, technically, "unmarked" should refer to the skin, but what if it has a double meaning, which I hoped it did, i.e. "unmarked" could also mean unnoticed, or (although this is a stretch the association came up when I wrote it) it could refer to other unmarked things, like an unmarked grave. This could of course be metaphorical as well as literal. In terms of the last line....(first of all, see above about the theme)... well, you did realize that the poem is not really / literally about war, right? It's about conflict within a family that just happens to feel like war some or most of the time. Btw, "no alarms sound" was sort of a reference to my house, which has about a zillion smoke alarms which are always going off whenever anyone cooks anything, and this adds to the tense, anxious atmosphere. But I see what you mean. I was trying to convey the idea that it's almost impossible to be unaffected when others around you are hostile, so eventually the speaker decides to just join right in, or at least protect him or herself (again metaphorical - putting on armour symbolizing pushing others away). What do you think? Ashley |
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