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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2001-09-05 12:55 PM

With wounded eyes,
she watches the chain,
the sequence;
ripples traversing
the receding, ebbing pool
of their lives.

She believes she hears
the gentle, sweet sadness of a lute,
very far off in the distance...
she focuses in earnest,
and the sound intensifies
as she watches the chain reaction.

Heavy of heart,
a heart that had been so true,
so full of longing...
the music pulls large teardrops from eyes
she had thought had long ago been bled dry.

As she watches the ripples
in their measured, gradual vanishing,
she becomes aware that fate has cast the stones,
that fate began this chain...
This knowing, however, does nothing to ease her pain.
Listening to the lute,
she yearns to look again to the pool,
to find it full, tranquil;
delicate lilies in repose upon sturdy leaves,
floating just above the reflective surface,
yet below, life abounding.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

The Rusty Knight
Member

since 2001-08-29

Posts 414
Texas

1 posted 2001-09-06 01:01 AM

I like the piece. It has a nice flow to it, but I think some of the commas may disrupt the flow a little.

Listening to the lute,
she yearns to look again to the pool,
to find it full, tranquil;

an example is the one after pool. see if it reads better to you without it.

Death comes not when we cease to breathe, but when we cease to dream.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2001-09-06 01:16 AM

Yes, Knight, you may be right in that instance, but I see no other commas that should be eliminated. I thank you for reading, for replying so kindly, and for pointing that out.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2001-09-06 10:05 AM

Hi Kris,

Good to see you back. As usual, you paint a beautiful picture with your words. I can find very little to change. For some reason though measured, in stanza 4, jars a bit. Then a couple of lines down, however, does the same. I don't have a suggestion for measured but the however line might work better as

But this knowing does nothing to ease her pain.

As far as the punctuation, the commas seem all right to me, even the one after pool. But the semicolon at the end of line 3 should be a comma instead.

Nice work, as usual. A quite enjoyable story.

Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2001-09-06 11:22 AM

Dear Pete,

Thank you, sir.

I always value your opinion, and will definitely consider the suggestions you made.

Hope all is well with you...

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Local Rebel
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-21

Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia

5 posted 2001-09-06 05:35 PM

Hi kris,

since you're on my mailing list you're aware I'm not operating on a lot of sleep here -- lol -- and that may be my problem...

I had a hard time getting into the mood of this one -- going from stone cold to wounded eyes I just had a problem -- but -- I don't have a slice -- it may just be me in my current state of mind -- so -- I promise I'll come back to this one later and try again...

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