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expansive waves and lower frequencies
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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expansive waves and lower frequencies |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
daddy a dark-half-moon, chased women and the aroma of success. moma, an ancient mission believed in love and the sanctity of sex with strings. Entwined, weaving in, weaving out, they produced a coarsely grated misery. One iceberg morning, shivering, daddy sprang a bye for good, and bad. moma splintering into tiny pieces, began repeating Sunday through Saturday. Jake, was the brother, a chip of wood possessing dark looks and stimulating quantities. Me, the Sister-serving bowl, developed a peculiar waiting game, dishing out a firm style of neurosis. Jake would have none of that, armed with a fine rib-cage, and blue eyes, he expanded towards the tendency, lacking a functioning conscience. cheating and dealing was as honest in his realm of reasoning, as a politician. Why would/should he accept unpleasant? He enjoyed free rides. They presented him with the concrete evidence, God was alive. In a mean time, Moma climbed into a holy roly box, Landing on her knees, Night and day she prayed for Our salvation. I would appreciate all comments, negative or positive....thank you Z |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
zyell- this is really great. a lot different and unique imagery. my only crit is that i think there's more story that we're not being told. we see moma and daddy. moma's a romantic of sorts, dad's a womanizer. he cheats on moma, leaves jake and sister with moma that turns to religious zealism. jake deludes himself into believeing things are okay, and uses people so that he can believe that there's something good in his life. sister possibly thinks that dad is going to come back, and occupies herself with that. i think the poem ends too soon. you have a very interesting possibility here. you could contrast moma's holy-rolling to jake's obscure "religion." you could also make the comparison between dad's flighty-ness and sister's willingness to wait. i think a connection like that or an epiphany, climax, resolution, some sort of conclusion would do wonders for an already incredible poem. great lines: "Entwined, weaving in, weaving out, they produced a coarsely grated misery." sex with strings- i can almost see jake and sister as the tapestries produced, the coarsely grated misery. "Jake, was the brother, a chip of wood possessing dark looks and stimulating quantities." chipped off of dad, maybe? "Why would/should he accept unpleasant? He enjoyed free rides. They presented him with the concrete evidence, God was alive." the rhythm in this section perfectly dictates what you are trying to say about jake. lines getting smaller, coming to a point "God was alive." beautiful. "In a mean time, Moma climbed into a holy roly box, Landing on her knees, Night and day she prayed for Our salvation." much as i like this part, i don't think it's the end. i expect more. i don't know. let me know if i'm missing something really big. |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
roxanne, I want to thank you for taking the time to read and your critique. Yes, I do see where it could be expanded, and maybe I shall see what I can come up with. I am notorious for condensing? I don't know if that's good or bad. Yes, the brother, jake was a chip off the old block....~grin~! |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Zyell I agree with Roxane, this has many commendable features. I’m not sure about the ending. Maybe this is one of those poems that doesn’t really need a strong emphatic ending - maybe the story isn’t finished yet - in fact maybe the story will never be finished as long as there are moms and dads and their offspring! As drafted at present the ending does have the merit of drawing the three remaining characters together and once more introducing the mother, and to be honest I’m not sure that I can make any suggestions to strengthen it except maybe small changes to language. So lets do the details: daddy a dark-half-moon, chased women >>> caesura, a comma, after “daddy”? - “daddy, a dark-half-moon, chased women” - nice opening image to grab attention. and the aroma of success. >>> I think you could do better than aroma - it’s been used too often don’t you think? moma, an ancient mission believed in love and the sanctity of sex with strings. >>> This I like a lot. One of the best sections in the poem I think. You sum up moma nicely and in the same breath point up the slant towards religion with words like “mission” and “sanctity” - good writing. Entwined, weaving in, weaving out, they produced a coarsely grated misery. >>> I changed my mind! I like this possibly better. I’m tempted to suggest that there’s an opportunity here to do something clever with the line breaks, for instance: Entwined: weaving in weaving out they produced a coarsely grated misery. obviously this breaks things up a little but I guess I’m shooting for a typographical play on weaving and also a little momentary half meaning on “produced”, the idea being that parents usually procreate and maybe for as long as it takes the reader’s eyes to skip to the next line the word “produced” suggests procreation, which, given the subsequent introduction of the siblings, maybe works? or maybe not? One iceberg morning, shivering, >>> I’m finding “iceberg” as a noun hard to live with here. Nouns as adjectives can work of course, but in this usage I keep reading “icy” which is pretty mundane as a modifier to “morning”. I realise that there were other reasons for the use of iceberg, picking up presumably on the presumed frigidity of moma and daddy’s final loss of patience, but I still find it hard to handle - oh well. daddy sprang a bye for good, and bad. moma splintering into tiny pieces, began repeating Sunday through Saturday. >>> nice writing again here - I loved the pick up on the iceberg in the word “splintering” and all the other connotations that carries - maybe you need to keep the ice reference somehow after all. And, “began repeating Sun through Sat” is a novel way of saying she got religion! Jake, was the brother, a chip of wood possessing dark looks and stimulating quantities. >>> the interesting phrase “stimulating quantities” rescues this from near cliche. In fact it does more than rescue it, it transforms it into something unexpected (avoiding the obvious “qualities”) yet highly appropriate, one of the main ingredients of success I think. “chip of wood” clearly echoes the saying, perhaps too clearly and I did wonder whether you might think about the type of wood here to try and add to the brother’s qualities, say: Jake was the brother, a chip of ebony with stimulating quantities. >>>Ebony maybe to reflect the darkness (and hardness) of Jakes looks, and possibly his character? >>>oh, and this time I think you need to lose the comma after Jake, no? Me, the Sister-serving bowl, developed a peculiar waiting game, dishing out a firm style of neurosis. >>> I like this, although not having come across “a firm style of neurosis” (my sheltered upbringing you understand!) I’m finding it hard to picture someone in the grip of that particular malady. (If it is so?) Jake would have none of that, armed with a fine rib-cage, and blue eyes, he expanded towards the tendency, >>> this is great as well - particularly like “armed” and “expanded” and again the allusion to inherited weakness. lacking a functioning conscience. >>> a little mundane maybe. cheating and dealing was as honest in his realm of reasoning, as a politician. Why would/should he accept unpleasant? He enjoyed free rides. They presented him with the concrete evidence, God was alive. >>> this imho is the weakest section of the poem. Its almost like you were running out of steam. “Would/should” is clunky. “Politician” is cliche. “Cheating and dealing” is telling not showing, “concrete evidence” is cliche. The whole section is mostly abstraction. You can do much better. I’m not entirely sure quite how dark this poem is, this stanza teeters on the edge of telling us and the ending seems to suggest something other than a normal brother/sister relationship - perhaps it’s better not spelled out. In a mean time, Moma climbed into a holy roly box, Landing on her knees, Night and day she prayed for Our salvation. >>> like I said before I kind of like the ending. It goes out with an unresolved situation which given the subject is highly appropriate I think. >>> I enjoyed this poem immensely. A very good job. >>> Thank you F |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
thank you, I do appreciate your critiques, the time you take to read and then the details....everything you say, I consider, and deem beneficial. the part about the politician wasn't originally written like this. I used one or two words I wasn't sure would be accepted in this forum, (censorship) so I changed the original, just in case. I think you might consider that version an improvement. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i don't know if i have the authority to do this, but i'm boosting this back up to the top. it is far too good to go unnoticed by some many regular members. this is really great. i hope nobody is mad about it  |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
zyell-- i thought this was a pretty interesting piece overall, with a fantastic tone and feel and some pretty cool imagery. the characterization tags like "daddy[,] a dark-half-moon" and "moma, an ancient mission" were colorful and fascinating, and some of the phrasings -- such as "daddy sprang a bye for good, and bad" and "moma... began repeating Sunday through Saturday" -- were a joy to read. my favorite lines, though, were "He enjoyed free rides. / They presented him with the concrete evidence, / God was alive"; i thought this was the most original and insightful part of the piece, actually. well done! i agree with rox (and furlong, too, i guess) that the piece seems "unfinished" or lacking in something. i think maybe it's because the speaker here, the sister, is a little too vague, her place in the poem too undefined. first of all, i thought it was kind of odd to say she "developed a peculiar kind of waiting game" -- which is pretty passive -- and then to describe her in that passivity as "dishing out a firm style of neurosis", which sounds very active to me. the phrase "dishing out a firm style of neurorsis" is kind of awkward anyway, i think; i don't really have a clear idea what you mean by it. but for me, the bigger "problem," if you can call it that, was that the speaker is just kind of there, she really doesn't have much of a presence in the piece at all; ok, i know, she's passive (sort of), she's in a waiting game (waiting for what?) and she has these neuroses, but i think she suffers in contrast to the great stuff you have going on with daddy and moma and jake, and in the end, it makes the piece almost merely observational, like it's simply "daddy did this, moma did that, then jake did this, then moma did that." that's a cruel paraphrase, but do you see what i'm driving at? except for three lines buried in the middle of the piece (and presented to the reader in the past tense), the speaker isn't emotionally involved in the piece at all, really, and that (in my opinion) makes it kind of hard for the reader to get involved (and leaves the reader wanting something more). sister-serving-bowl is a little too detached, i guess is what i'm saying. if you're going to expand the piece, i'd concentrate on the speaker/sister, and give the reader both more of a sense of her as a character as well as her "take" on things. i think putting most of the last two stanzas in the present tense might help to involve the reader more, too. something to think about, anyway. one more thing? the random, haphazard capitalization throughout the piece was pretty distracting; sometimes you capitalize the beginning of a sentence, sometimes you don't, sometimes "moma" is "Moma" (and, btw, should it be 'Momma'?), sometimes words are capitalized for seemingly no reason at all (such as "Landing," "Night," and "Our" in the last stanza, for example). comma usage throughout was hit or miss, too, mostly miss. in the big scheme of things here, neither capitalization nor comma usgae is that big a deal, but they are distracting, and anything that distracts the reader from what you're trying to say isn't a good thing. but, lol... don't think i didn't like this piece, lol. you're a good writer, zyell, and a lot of this piece just jumps off the screen, very fresh and original. thanks for sharing it with us! jenni |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I loved the imagery in this. I want to comment on is the use of nouns as adjectives and visa versa. I think that this can be done effectively, but at times it can be distracting. Overall I think that the originality it add to the language is appealing as long as it doesn't interfere with the easy flow--I should not have to pause to decide if it is an adjective or noun. ex: good=iceberg bad=unpleasant Also I do not like "would/should," choose one or the other, they are very different in connotaton--or your could use "or" instead of the slash. I like the play on "in the meantime". I would use "I" and not "me" in the 3rd line of 2nd stanza. roxanne: thanks for bumping this one back to the top--final exams are coming up, so I have been busy and would have missed it. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
jenni: punctuation, AGREED, it's not my strong point. When I was in HighSchool my English teacher said my writing wasn't bad, but my punctuation was terrible. She'd give me A/C. The A was for the content, and the C was for the grammar and punctuation. I'm afraid it's not much better. I will try to do better, I do realize it's a stumbling block, and it does take away from the poem. I read your suggestions, and then I re-read them. I truly enjoyed your take on this poem....and the suggestions. It made me see it from a different angle, which is a good thing. I don't always analyze the phrase or the words I use, it often just happens, and I'll think yes, I like that. It's more of a feeling, a mood, hopefully a picture, sometime it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Thank you for reading and taking the time to give this detailed critique. I do appreicate it very much~! Z |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
Kirk T Walker: I loved the imagery in this. roxanne: thanks for bumping this one back to the top--final exams are coming up, so I have been busy and would have missed it. And thank you Kirk, I really appreciate your comments....*S* Z |
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