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Critical Analysis #1
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one breath
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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one breath |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
All the time we shared together Sadly I leave them now Intricate patterns of red of my skin Lace designed hemorrhages Alternative solutions; I find none Yearning for a frictionless path Depression is slick as oil Yield do I to opposition In turn, it cuts me up Never to fight for independence Gore myself on lost aspirations I lose myself on thoughts of you Blood rolls down my arms Red violent smears of acceptance Eternity has lost its charm Apathy athrophied my heart Though I love you so much Here I die without you Easing the pain of existence Mouth contorted in a grimace of pain You could never expect this Longing to feel that I deserve your love At once I proved myself wrong Sorrow is short-lived, my dear Though I couldn't make it through Forget me and go on with your life Otherwise what could you do? Remember not this piteous scene You must preserve a cleaner memory Of a love so bright and warm and true Understand- I died for you ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
roxane, I have a few doubts. For one, you seem to be using a lot of words when (I feel) not necessary. More simple words may have solved the purpose. "Depression is slick as oil" "Gore myself on lost aspirations" These two lines seem so much filled with just the use of words in opposition to the lines following them which are more simple "Yield do I to opposition" "I lose myself on thoughts of you" As I said, more simple words may have given more impact. The narrative of the details of the wound sounded as though you'd tried hard to use the right words to give it a gory look. Why? But I liked the ending. I guess there was not the usual self-important words used there. Some how I seem to feel a lot of feelings come through at the end roxane, these are just my opinions. rachi |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
well it's early in te morning not the time for wanting to explain this, but it was my first attempt at an acrostic. oh well i am really mystified here.... i guess that i'm waving a huge white flag or something |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
wow....thanks for telling it was an acrostic...now it all fits! RB ------------------ if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
roxane, I get that it is an acrostic. But my doubts were more because I seemed to feel that some of the lines were forced. Even for acrostic simple words I'm sure will do. rachi |
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