No title - 1st draft would like feed back

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

0 posted 2001-09-04 09:42 PM

I have not posted here in a long time please slice and dice

Loneliness is like a veiled smile
it serves no one
Like a dew drop before the night relinquishes it’s rein
sitting on flower’s pedal after all the work and pain
it holds beauty against an empty sky.
Loneliness is a mind filled with emptiness
emptied of fullness
It is my birth right
and my death wish
it is my living and my calling
It is the gray wolf in winter
constrained by his hunger
that he kills!
to hear!
anothers voice against the vastness
to feel!
anothers flesh against his own
and this is his hunger.
It is the snake in farmers field
that has inadvertently revealed itself
one step to soon
It is a sound in room full of drunken sailors
a spec of sand atop a mountain
It is a ray of light exploding from the sun
It is a star in a blind mans eye.

It is the warmth that feeds this slow death
and the cold silver shadow that drains the words from a mouth
in crowded room
It is a scream, a vision, a chant in the outback
it is a story that is thousands of  years old
told around the infinite fires that have all  yearned to be free
It is this mythology of our hero’s tragic tale
and the tear that leaves every eye
sliding down a cheek that longs for some touch.

It is what these words long for;
to be dragged out over another’s tongue like a lovers sweet
intoxicating breath and feel a lovers vibrations
as shadows silhouetted against a white washed wall on Thera
dance to Dionysius’s magic flute
leading friends and strangers into his feast of flesh and fruit
fermented once to release the shadows of Jung onto the stage
that is this isle in the sun.
It is the shortness of this breath that last a life

arthur
Senior Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 678
england

1 posted 2001-09-05 05:32 AM

thanks for your work
i enjoyed it
but since this is critical analysis
may I be a little critical

if the aim is to show your reader your vision of an enmotional state i would reduce the images some what
the greek reference at the end diverted my thoughts from your main message .
But lonleness is a killer and worth a reference or two
wonder how many types of lonleness there are?
arthur

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

2 posted 2001-09-05 09:09 AM

Thanks for the comments.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2001-09-05 10:30 PM

I noticed that you begin this piece with similes and then switch over to metaphors- why not just use metaphors the entire way through? It makes for higher impact/ reader interest in opening lines- personally, I would be much more drawn in by "Loneliness is a veiled smile" and so on.

I had a lot of trouble with this bit right here:

'It is the gray wolf in winter
constrained by his hunger
that he kills!
to hear!
anothers voice against the vastness
to feel!
anothers flesh against his own
and this is his hunger.'

I think (?) this is all meant to be one thought, but the exclamations and phrasing are really confusing. Also, introducing exclamations, especially three in a row, so early in a poem doesn't give the reader enough time to feel the momentum of the poem. I personally am not a big fan of exclamation points in poetry- I think that the words should usually create their own momentum and power, but if one is needed it should be later in the poem, to drive a central point home- this only serves to accentuate (distract from?) an image.

I guess I agree that the images are too much, or the presentation thereof- it's like a laundry list, and that's a really hard technique to make work. Maybe you could pick the images you found strongest and delve deeper into them?

I did want to point out some images/wording I enjoyed:

'Like a dew drop before the night relinquishes it’s rein'

-Smooth out the out-of-place contraction, and this line not only creates an interesting atmosphere, but is also effective in terms of language- alliteration and tone work out really well here.

'It is what these words long for;
to be dragged out over another’s tongue like a lovers sweet
intoxicating breath and feel a lovers vibrations'

I personally enjoyed the sensuality and personification (vie sexuality) of words here.

Hope I helped.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

[This message has been edited by hush (edited 09-05-2001).]

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

4 posted 2001-09-06 07:51 AM

Thanks for the comments hush. Since it is a 1st draft they re very helpful

see ya

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.