a chance meeting with death

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arthur
Senior Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 678
england

0 posted 2001-09-01 09:52 AM

note a) safeways is a large shop in England
b) this has been in open 15 .if you were kind enough to comment there you dont have to be kind here

I meet death in Safeways
She was by the fresh fish stall
She motioned me to come away
I didnt see him fall

I wanted to stay and see
The man laying on the floor
He looked a lot like me
But she pointed to the door

Her bus was waiting at its station
Death merrily rang the bell
I quitely asked my destination
She quitely answers :Hell

arthur

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

1 posted 2001-09-02 10:53 AM

Arthur, I do not know how this could have been overlooked as it is so profound and thought provoking. Well done!

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
Dancing with you in the summer rain~

citizenx
Member

since 2001-07-31

Posts 189
motorcade

2 posted 2001-09-02 03:35 PM

Arhur, I like this. Nice twist at the end. One thing for me is that the rhyme is quiet obvious, oh it works but I think it could be a bit sharper. I would suggest reading Emily Dickinson, her poems dealt alot with death and rhymed as well. After what I said I did enjoy the poem.

"the blizzard of the world has crossed the threshold and it has overturned
the order of the soul" leonard cohen

b4dawn
New Member

since 2001-08-30

Posts 7

3 posted 2001-09-03 06:03 PM

Chilling!!

"Always be yourself, but the best self you can be."

Romy
Senior Member

since 2000-05-28

Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida

4 posted 2001-09-03 11:35 PM

This poem is very creative, just needs a little fine tuning. Great twist on the end!

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

5 posted 2001-09-04 09:45 PM

I liked it. Although yes it was dark i found it very light if that makes any sense.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2001-09-05 09:49 AM

Hi Arthur,

I agree with Tony, it is both dark and light at the same time. I think it works pretty well although I think I would prefer a little punctuation. It reads all right without it but you have used a pretty traditional format and it just looks better to me. Not a big deal in this case.

I do have a couple of editing suggestions. I stanza 2, line 2, the man probably should be lying on the floor instead of laying. Then in lines 3 & 4 of the last stanza, you should maintain tense consistency. Asked/answers should be asked/answered. Finally, a typo of sorts. At the end the space should be after the colon instead of before.

Well, it looks like these technical things are all I can find to suggest. Nice work.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

7 posted 2001-09-05 12:47 PM

I agree with a lot of the other replies...chilling, well-done, succinct...

I suggest you try another one, perhaps with the bus heading up?

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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