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In Evermore
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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In Evermore |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding 
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First time I have ever shared anything I wrote. Please be honest in your critique. Thanks A shattered heart lies on the shore Amidst the dreams of Evermore In Evermore, enchanted land Where dreams build castles in the sand Where fairies dance in night time play And lovers always get their way In Evermore where dreams come true In Evermore, I still have you Come follow me into this place Feel Evermores warm sweet embrace Where angels sing a haunting tune In Evermore you love me too Awaken to clear morning dew That sparkles at the thought of you And you my shining armoured Knight Will save this maiden from her plight Each morn you wake & kiss my lips And trace them with your fingertips You dream with me & hold me close In Evermore, you're not a ghost Please Evermore, I want to stay And with the fairies dance & play In Evermore I'm not alone In Evermore you're coming home Time stood still upon this land Before you let go of my hand My heart's no longer on this shore Thrown to the seas of Nevemore p.s. my other thought for the last line was "It slowly drowned in Nevermore" which do you think sounds better? Thanks again for any replies Oh no, here goes the "submit" button. should I? shouldn't I? should I? |
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| © Copyright 2001 Tracey Skipp - All Rights Reserved | |||
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arthur Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678england |
second go at posting a reply i loved this sort of dream world of perfection a camelot would such a world didnt like the use of & instead of and last line of first verse is ambigous but that is nit picking just liked it but then i would arthur Rex |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Tracey, Welcome to Critical Analysis. It's great to have new talent. Check your email for a message. Your poem read as a nice tribute to a lost loved one. Not so sugary sweet as to make uncomfortable reading but still not at all detached. Technically, your meter was quite good but at times your rhymes seemed a little forced. Not too bad but a little work could be done there. It seems to be generally accepted that writing rhyming couplets about a serious matter can be a real task. They too easily tend to fall into the "Cat In The Hat" style or something. You have done a respectable job of avoiding this pitfall. But some of your lines do have a "Hallmark" ring to them. finally, I felt that Evermore was a little overused. Now I understand that that was a central feature and it may be just me but it might work better (sound a little more serious) if you changed some of them. Of course, this is all just one personal opinion, and not a well educated one at that. All-in-all, a very nice first post. I hope to see a lot more of your work. Pete |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
Thank you both for taking the time to write with your comments. Arthur, I'm so glad you liked it. Yes it was written while mind was in a medieval land of fairies, knights etc. You're absolutely right about the & though, I was being lazy when I typed it. Pete, thank you for the welcome & your observations. I know what you mean about the rhyme sometimes seeming forced - it's sometimes a bit of a struggle to overcome that. I too wondered if I'd over used the Evermore, but after working on the poem for 2 days on and off, I was hearing the word in my sleep, so couldn't be objective about it! Thanks again both of you for your words. Tracey |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Tracey, I think you have done very, very well. Personally I think you should post it in Open 15 - the general forum. I think you'd have your ego lifted quite high. Basically I love all the way through - terrific write. You need to be a little more consistent in you puntuation (or however it's spelled) but very well done…post it as is. I agree, with the preveious post…don't us "&"…use "and". Your last couple of lines I'd do like so… "My heart's no longer (of) this shore It slowly drowned in Nevermore. I think that gives the end a better impact…but who am I to say…..also, I think this "fantasy" should have a "Hallmark" ring...after all, Falcor (sp?) would be there. walk easy, and do post it in the open forum…I don't think you be disappointed - and slap my hand if it's already there and I missed it! jwesley [This message has been edited by jwesley (edited 08-31-2001).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
SUBMIT...submit..submit. When in doubt, submit. (your poetry that is, not your soul) OK, the only problem I had with this is not really much of a problem at all. EVERMORE evermore and again was starting to get on my nerves a little, but overall I am shouting from the rooftops YES! Be brave and post, and be even braver and edit and re-post. Midnitesun |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
JWesley and Midnight Sun thank you so much for your comments. I may just rework it a bit and post it in the open forum soon. Never having shared anything I wrote before, I posted here to get some honest critique as to whether it was a worthwhile piece. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. Tracey If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please? |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
I must agree with everyone. A nice simple, shakespearean like fantasy setting but do not use evermore, evermore. Over done one that one word. See ya |
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