»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
all things considered
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
all things considered |
|
|
svandersaar Junior Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 40 |
A single tear: idiot symbolism. I am looking somewhere between the blank screen and my hands – which are catching questions tumbling from my heart, open as well. Looking somewhere between; which is not AT the desk, but beyond, prying at the space of solids, asking them to bend inwards: breaking the thin, even film of physical dimensions and spreading it out from a razor slit exact as the edge of water. Exposing… answers? Release from pain, masochism, or questions? I’m trying to think objectively, or around destructive reflection. I refuse to wallow. From the nascent beginning I was his whole; A need even before the fusion of skin. And now, still, whispers of children and ‘soon’. Promises meant to be kept. Promises I know are not empty. How to explain our difference? One week after ‘hello’and I am folding his shirts and putting them away in our shared dresser. One month and I am depositing my checks into his account. Something other relationships waited years for, but never received. The aura of marriage subsumed us -- in the space of weeks -- that refused to cover any of our previous affairs. At night the settling house, the wind outside, washes harder into my heart the idea of ‘togetherness’ this rightness recognized by us and all those around. How can I deny love apart from nearly every love I’ve ever known? And he blends my face in with his fingertips blesses this with his sighs and tears with his words of comparison telling me never never has anyone equaled. Everything before NOW was less to a miraculous degree. I taste the victory with indulgence, and bitterness. She entered his life, made him feel for once, and he gave all. All. And her deception, betrayal, and then desertion: death for years afterwards. And death still, of that last piece of his heart meant for living; which needs, (he swears will always need) to be kept sealed against the very wall of his core: untouched, uncultivated, at least alive and out of the possibility of destruction. So I smooth over his brow and whisper back of children, of forever and ‘soon’. And he tells me as though it won’t cause some small death of my own, that I am more than anything ever has been. But I can never never have all of him. He wishes it had been me there in her place, because… because he knows I would never… I take the victory and taste it, bitter and cutting. He can’t take the chance now despite his faith, despite my preposterous ‘more’ of three months against the strange reflective bland of her three years, despite smiles and pre-emptive proposals, discussions of discipline and learning for our daughters (names already picked) because I missed that damned "naiveté" four years ago, that let him open his soul. An accident of time and he lets it rule over love. Damn me for thinking, for feeling, for hating circumstance and wanting blame. Questions slowly cease to fall into my hands, ache instead swells outward and touches the tender trembling palms… inside, a single tear. |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Stacey Vandersaar - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Stacey, Wow, I was touched by this one. I'll try to say more later, after a chance to read a couple more times and absorb better. But for now, I loved/hated the turn at quote: It was a fascinating story well told. My impression after the first reading is that it may be a bit wordy. You could probably trim about 25% extra words and improve it but I don't have any concrete examples, just an impression. I'll try to get back later. BTW, I don't think I have seen your name in CA before so, a great big welcome. Hope you enjoy it here. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 04-19-2001).] |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi stacey-- i thought this was pretty great, a familiar story but very well told in a way that holds the reader's interest. i loved the overall tone and feel of the piece, and for the most part the sort of rambling, free-form structure was perfectly suited for the subject and situation. i didn't think the first stanza really fit with the rest of the piece, though. it has a very abstract, almost surreal quality; it's well-written, yes, but i think perhaps it is ill-coupled with the very straightforward approach in the rest of the piece (in my opinion, anyway). i don't think the piece really needs a prelude anyway; the speaker tells us "I’m trying to think objectively, or around destructive reflection", but this is quite evident from the rest of the poem, and i don't think you need to come right out and say it. there were a couple of places in the ensuing stanzas that i thought could be trimmed or reworded a bit: "nascent beginnings" is redundant; all beginnings are nascent, aren't they? "Promises I know are not empty" seemed a little awkward to me. it really should be promises THAT i know are not empty, but i know that makes it even worse, not very rhythmic at all. so, i'd look into doing something else there, i don't know. the three "and"s in the 'one week', 'one month' sequence of lines could stand to be deleted, i think. "Something other relationships waited years for, but never received" came across to me a little awkward and unnecessary; i think maybe you should give the reader a little more credit here, we all know not every relationship develops that kind of closeness. (yeah, believe me, i know, lol.) the aura of marriage "that refused to cover any of our previous affairs"...i think you could rework this a little. the next four lines there, "At night / the settling house, / the wind outside, / washes harder into my heart the idea of ‘togetherness’ / this rightness recognized by us and all those around", were great, probably my favorite in the whole piece, nice images nicely worded. i don't see the need to capitalize or indeed place any added emphasis on "NOW", i think it's apparent from context, and the caps are a little distracting. if you do want emphasis there, i'd go with italics, which maybe you intended; i know i certainly haven't figured out how to italicize something in a posting here, lol. "at least alive / and out of the possibility of destruction"....seemed very awkward to me, everything just came to a screeching halt. "because… because he knows I would never…"...i think this is unnecessary. again, give your reader some credit, lol. "An accident of time and he lets it rule over love"...loved this line.  your line breaks seem a little curious in places, i think you're maybe missing some opportunities with the longer lines. but i do like how the longer lines stretch things out, and they contribute a lot to the tone and feel of the piece, so there ya go, lol. great job on this, it was a very enjoyable read! i hope to see more of your stuff out here. jenni |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey there...me again...lol.. wow - this looks great! And I'm really glad you chose to post this in here! A friend actually pointed this out to me and recommended I post my critique again over here...but rather than waste bandwidth (since it was so painfully long lol) I'll just post the link to it in Dark. /pip/Forum46/HTML/000531.html If anyone wants to read that - this was originally posted in Dark and there is my great waffling critique on it  K |
||
|
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Svandersaar, I agree that the first verse does not quite fit in with the rest of the poem but it was my favourite. I liked the long free thought paragraphs they worked quite well, but (always the but) these verses don't carry the same descriptive impact as the first verse. It is just a small thing. Over all I must say I am very impressed. There's a feeling of contentment Now that you are here I feel satisfied I belong |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
