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Critical Analysis
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Critical Analysis |
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helen smith Member
since 2001-03-12
Posts 240 |
the Diamonds She twists her rings while dreaming. Mischievous diamonds flash upon her hand. She thinks at home she should have left them Both that and the golden band. He watches .Missing nothing Though his eyes are fixed ahead. He reads the signs along the highway. Reading signs now ..would she lie upon his bed ? The winking neons all are grinning. Enticing,offering of their wicked way And he knows she's in a quandery She's thinking ...Will she play? She draws her skirt down tightly. Thinking .Twisting.She is really only clay. He leaves the straight and narrow . What will everybody say? A comforting touch He reaches. Searching fingers find her rings. All the diamonds .They have vanished . Lady Lust has outstretched wings. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
This is a very nice poem with an especially powerful ending. -The way I read this poem you have a woman and a man who are both contemplating giving into passion despite their consciences, social standards, etc. -"winking neons" "grinning" "enticing" "wicked ways" are all very suggestive of a lusty immoral affair (in my mind the neons gave the image of a motel vacancy sign) -I like the way you shift between what he is thinking or doing and what she is thinking or doing, the shifts are subtle, yet perceivable. -At the very last stanza I thought we were going to get a twist toward sweetness "a comforting touch" "searching" then BAM! "Lady Lust has outstretched wings" for the powerful close. - I would consider replacing "mischievous" in the 1st stanza - "She thinks at home she should have left them" might read more naturally as "she thinks she should have left them home" -i liked "quandery" in the 3rd -"she is really only clay" made me think of 1)putty in his hands 2)created from clay/she is only human both those ideas seemed to work well here. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
alright helen my bad about getting all out on you.just got carried away ok? sorry and lets keep it cool so will i. pplz don't be dissapointed at me  .i'm if you get to know me i'm really a great guy  anyways.... though on the poem i liked it. it was written nicely in its own way.as kirk said the ending was good.so yea...keep writing....[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-14-2001).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
first i have to say "WOW!" after the first stanza, i think you've got a really powerful, insightful and unique poem. can we talk about the first stanza though? the Diamonds She twists her rings while dreaming. Mischievous diamonds flash upon her hand. She thinks at home she should have left them Both that and the golden band. first i have to wonder what the sylbolism of the diamond means. the diamond is repeated several times in this poem. what does it mean? i'll give my interpretation later if you'd like, but i do think it could do with a little clarity. the first stanza is basically about her thinking about leaving her rings at home. like an engagement ring, maybe? or are you commenting on the financial situation of this woman? also, how is she thinking and dreaming? shouldn't her thoughts be a little more obscure if she is dreaming? i don't know. i also think the "golden bands" part is rather redundant unless it has some special meaning. are you comparing the novelty of young love to the diamond and the lasting commitment of marriage to the ancient golden band that holds it to the finger? if you're doing that, leave it. otherwise, it sounds a little forced. and also, how are the diamonds mischievious? is it because those early passionate feelings of love have enticed to betray the golden band for another? i'd really like to know the reason behind that one. you also say, "Both that, and...." if you are referring to diamondS not a singular diamond, then it should be "both those and..." i believe. it would flow better anyways. i really think you should work on the first stanza because the rest of the poem is so great. okay, get ready for lavish praise now... i had my little rant  He watches .Missing nothing Though his eyes are fixed ahead. He reads the signs along the highway. Reading signs now ..would she lie upon his bed ? The winking neons all are grinning. Enticing,offering of their wicked way And he knows she's in a quandery She's thinking ...Will she play? the next two stanzas take us to the lover, the man, and give us basically his stream of consciousness. i really like what you've done here, seamlessly you've added another character, another set of feelings. i really like this! She draws her skirt down tightly. Thinking .Twisting.She is really only clay. He leaves the straight and narrow . What will everybody say? here i get the impression that this is an affair, which would offer substance to the "engagement ring" theory. the only two objections i have are 1) it seems that the character of the woman has changed. she becomes clay, easily molded by this man, when in the beginning, i get the impression that she is more forceful, i don't know why. you should probably look to see what adjectives you're using to describe her and make sure you're not contradicting yourself. A comforting touch He reaches. Searching fingers find her rings. All the diamonds .They have vanished . Lady Lust has outstretched wings. i don't really understand the part about "lady lust" but i like what you're saying here. i get a sort of catherine and heathcliff transcending moral love and moral obligations, two indentical souls feeling, and i like that. i think this poem could actually stand to have another stanza somewhere in the middle giving us a little bit of history on this subject. overall, i think this is great! good work! |
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helen smith Member
since 2001-03-12
Posts 240 |
Thank you all for giving up your time to help me .It is a special thing that you do and I am humbled by your careful yet encouraging insight ,,, i do agree with all you say . I guess I am a good girl trying to be bad ..need a litttle more practice . The first verse was grammatically clumsy and now I read it again it is obvious I have left a middle verse out ..It was one giving a little more of his thoughts but I decided to get rid of it .I worried about "lie on his bed " after reading a comment to you Kirk re one of your poems... Thank you Albert I do like you and have been peeping at your history .. so i know you now . I really do thank you as i go off for a little rewrite |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
when you do the rewrite, you might look at the inversion in the line: "She thinks at home she should have left them" I don't think you'd speak like that would you? For me, at least, the line was a distraction which could easily be avoided. Just my opinion. F |
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helen smith Member
since 2001-03-12
Posts 240 |
thank you furlong ..yes I will . |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'd probably drop the rhyme scheme but not all the rhymes here -- use them as emphasis but not as a scheme. I like the indecision at the moment, those quiet points of indecision that we never listen to. I also liked some of the play on signs and whatnot. I think the scene is obvious without that last line (which reminded me of an old Black Sabbath song for some reason) but I've never been a big fan of 'lust' -- the word that is. I'd push the indecision a little more and maybe give a stronger description of the man (why him?). I think you can give this a more immediate feel and create a real sense of tension without having to explain everything. Just an opinion, Brad |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
helen-- this is an interesting piece, i think you've made a good start here. the poem has great tension from the git-go and you build it nicely until the final lines. well done. some parts i found confusing. "that" in the last line of the first stanza i think is referring to the diamond engagement ring, but previously you were talking about "diamonds" in the plural, and not the ring per se; that sounded awkward. i was also confused about the physical setting here; the first time i read it, i wasn't sure whether the man and the woman were in a car together driving to the no-tell motel, or if he was on his way to meet her there. actually, i'm still not sure, but it sounds like in the fourth stanza she's in the car with him. not a big deal either way, but i just noticed that. the last line was a bit of a let down for me; "Lady Lust" seemed like too simple a label to put at the end of a very interesting piece like this, i thought it didn't really go with the tone of the rest of the piece. one more thing then i'll shut up, lol....there's a little typo on "quandary" in the third line of the third stanza. very well done overall...thanks for posting this here! jenni |
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Waseem Cheema Member
since 2001-03-16
Posts 369Pakistan |
Excellent...no command to say any thing else..~Wasi~ I love to nice poetry. |
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
I have no C.A. I only liked your poem. Clay and lust...and interesting, volatile combination. |
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Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
i liked it, the she thinks, he thinks, and even though the subject has been done many times, we never really tire of illicit affairs~! the ending gave it just enough of a twist to present, interesting! *S* |
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