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Elizabeth's Face
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Elizabeth's Face |
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Carla New Member
since 2001-04-15
Posts 6 |
Elizabeth’s tired skin is thin over bones that sing of former elegance if not rare beauty – no – I’m not quite sure that’s beauty hidden there. The eyes are deepest dark: their whispered answers glitter undercover leaving you to guess – she wants for you to guess – so fearful of the secrets hidden there. The nose is strong and bold and hints of other strengths: controlled resolve, decisiveness that ruled some other time buried now but not quite hidden there. The mouth is wide, wonderful: a child’s delicious grin, warm and loopy, ready for the smile but firm enough for sorrows hidden there. Elizabeth’s face is rare: a thing to hold between two hands, a thing to savor and explore, and maybe find yourself within or maybe you might find her hiding there. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Carla - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Carla, Welcome to CA. I see you have already been interacting so it looks like you understand how it all works. Have fun. Check your email for a special welcoming message. Pete |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
carla- hi. first off, i see your talent of description. in reading this poem, i'm not quite sure of the meaning yet, but i think as i critique i'll get closer to it. Elizabeth’s tired skin is thin over bones that sing of former elegance if not rare beauty – no – I’m not quite sure that’s beauty hidden there. i think "is" in the second line maybe not be necessary, but that's a minor point. i really like the "bones that sing". i've never heard anyone use that personification of bones. and the doubting "- no - i'm not quite sure" really great. i like the see the speaker occasionally question herself. The eyes are deepest dark: their whispered answers glitter undercover leaving you to guess – she wants for you to guess – so fearful of the secrets hidden there. and i like the doubting at the end of the stanza so much that i'm almost disappointed that you don't tap into that more in this stanza. i also don't really understand the fearful thing here, but again, good unique description. The nose is strong and bold and hints of other strengths: controlled resolve, decisiveness that ruled some other time buried now but not quite hidden there. "controlled resolve" might be redundant. i like the use of the nose though. not often used. The mouth is wide, wonderful: a child’s delicious grin, warm and loopy, ready for the smile but firm enough for sorrows hidden there. i don't know that her smile here matches the character that you've drawn for her thus far. if that's intentional, i think you should put more emphasis on why this mouth is childish and warm, but her eyes and nose are so "not". Elizabeth’s face is rare: a thing to hold between two hands, a thing to savor and explore, and maybe find yourself within or maybe you might find her hiding there. i don't know about this stanza. i like the second line, but i don't like the shift to second person. basically you tell us your purpose in this last stanza, that this woman's face is full of wonder, and you could either find yourself there, or maybe her. i don't know that that matches the tone of the rest of this poem. i feel like you're telling at first an adult thriller, but then you switch to a very simple, clean cut ending. kind of like a "happily ever after" without a "once upon a time". i think you have more to say than this. anyways, i did enjoy this poem. thanks for the read. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hmmmm, this has great potential but doesn't quite work for me. Part of me thinks that the problem is in the repeating end lines; I think you've lost control of that -- she wants you to guess because she's afraid of what's hidden there? You give the character more strength than the hidden fears would indicate almost as if she were playing with the speaker's own fear than with her own (that might be an interesting way to expand this). Also, concentrate more on the description and less on the explanation of that description. I bet you can get the same meaning through without making it so obvious. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Carla New Member
since 2001-04-15
Posts 6 |
Wow! Overwhelmed by the breadth and depth of the commentary. Seems like I've got a little row to hoe on this poem, will work on it and maybe repost later. Thank you all for the time and attention. -Carla |
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svandersaar Junior Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 40 |
Carla, when I have the time to give this the attention it deserves, I will give. Stacey |
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Kicking Kim Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 426Cloud Cucko Land! |
I know that you have encouraged critics by entering this poem in here but I must say it is exceptional. I found nothing wrong with it and it was a delightful read, keep up the good work. Interesting, intriguing and inspiring !! ^*~Kicking Kim~*^ "Theres no posession, just obsession and growing depression" |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Carla, congrads on the first post. I think the others have pretty much pointed out the weak areas to this other wise well written piece. A small bit of editing and I believe this poem will show its excellence.  There's a feeling of contentment Now that you are here I feel satisfied I belong |
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