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Unconditional Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Unconditional Love |
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lilpoet Member
since 2000-12-30
Posts 55Dallas,Tx |
My heart contols my mind My mind is looking for answers it will not find My eyes can see As it watcheds my hands give you the key My lips sing As my earings swing My legs dance And in your arms we make romance From my eye comes a tear My heart is calm with no fear There's somthing inside me that says this is right My heart has reached it's heighest height I know what to do... So in your ear I whisper I love you ~If I had a star for everytime you made me smile, I'd be holding the entire midnight sky in my hands~ |
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| © Copyright 2001 Nicole Chandler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
What you have now is: heart-mind-eyes-hands-lips-ears-legs-arms-eyes-heart. I thought you might want to consider making a symetrical pattern since you already start and end with heart. However, I wouldn't try to hard to impose it on the poem if it doesn't work, but I think a few extra lines might make it come full circle with something like this: heart-mind-eyes-hands-arms-lips-hands-arms-eyes-mind-heart. Anyway, it's just an idea. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Kicking Kim Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 426Cloud Cucko Land! |
Sorry i just have to say something has an e but you spelt yours somthing, maybe its an American expression I just thought I'd let you know. The poem is wonderful but maybe you shouldn't rhyme it ALL, perhaps to show how your heart makes your body go out of control you could use half or non rhyme in some places. Apart from that I loved it and its a very beautiful poem.  ^*~Kicking Kim~*^ "Theres no posession, just obsession and growing depression" |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
lilpoet- IMAGERY i think you need some more of it, but when i read phrases like "my earring swings" and i like it. normally i don't think that i would, but in your poem i see these happy lovers, and this dancing cool breeze of young love, and it's incredibly endearing. what am i saying? you need more swinging earrings in your poem. i really don't like the phrase "we make romance" ever. i just think it's an easy way out. who actually makes "romance?" i don't think it's one of those things that you can make. maybe you live it, but i don't know anything about your romance except what you tell me and this poem doesn't tell me anything about your romance. i don't think you need to say all this internal stuff about your heart and mind. i think that qualitative maybe superficial and external statements will make this poem have more meaning. you knew you loved when... and how was that special and what did the night air feel like there, and what perfume could you smell and did it remind you of something from a long time ago, and you couldn't place a finger on it but you have this overwhelming feeling of what? (and don't say love!) i don't know, just suggestions. good luck. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
roxane: Actually, I have the recipe. (for romance, I mean.) Just send 19.95 plus shipping and handling. Act now and I'll throw in free swinging earings. ha ha lilpoet: I agree with what roxane has to say about imagery. Show us, don't tell us. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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