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Critical Analysis #1
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Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

0 posted 2001-04-08 11:31 AM



Her words escaped
from the pages
up through the fingers
that had originally sentenced them there.
Through a body, now older
more used, more drowned in life
immersed in the everyday
to a tongue and through lips
sweeter and more sour

A word
carries like the scent of a lover
across a thousand miles
wandering to a sailors sadness.
A word
escapes her mind
parting my lips
like a virgins legs,
reluctant and full of anticipation
I waited for the next word
while holding on to the last one


© Copyright 2001 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved
anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-04-09 05:10 AM


i liked it .nice job! keep writin'  
helen smith
Member
since 2001-03-12
Posts 240

2 posted 2001-04-09 10:03 AM


I likes it as well  
jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
3 posted 2001-04-10 12:57 PM


tony--

very well done, i enjoyed this, especially the second stanza, which i thought was quite beautiful, with stunning, evocative images.  nice word-play in the first stanza, too, with the fingers "sentencing" words to a page, and the drowning/immersion.  

the last two lines were maybe a bit flat in comparision to what preceded it; you might want to think about the last line reading simply "while holding on to the last", or try something else entirely, something that really grabs the reader.  just my opinion, of course.

overall, a really good read!  thanks for sharing it with us.

jenni

Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada
4 posted 2001-04-12 05:37 PM


Thanks for the input guys.  

Jenni I always look forward to your very constructive critism.

Thanks

See Ya  

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