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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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starryeyed999 Junior Member
since 2001-03-05
Posts 35 |
You and Her are together, Say your're gonna last forever I don't think you're gonna make it Oh no, I don't think you really mean it. You have more feelings for me We broke up, but that doesn't mean we aren't meant to be. We know the couple we made Was never here to stay. But maybe one day, You'll leave her for me. Someday it'll last, One day we can try again But today you're wasting your time with her. Why oh why does it hurt so bad. I wish I never had to let you go I wonder what things would be If you were here with me. Maybe you'll get a clue, She's not good for you! |
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| © Copyright 2001 starryeyed999 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Nice idea. Here are my suggestions: 1. I would lose "Oh no." and "gonna" 2. Hasn't everyone felt this way at sometime? The problem with writing about such a commonly shared experience is that, while you will be able to connect with a wide range of readers, it becomes very challenging to come up with something new or original to add to the idea. 3. I would lose the "Maybe you'll get a clue/She's not good for you!" conclusion, the double-cliche right at the ending made me wince. The idea is fine but the language needs to be original. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
starry- i know what feelings you're trying to convey here, and i even feel it in the third line, i don't know why, but that is really the line that does it for me. what you have here, unfortunately, is borderline prose. prose=tells what happened poetry=shows what happened i forget which of the fabulous pip member came up with that, but i think it's pretty accurate. you TELL us your guy has a new girl, and you TELL us that you are meant to be together, but we've got no proof. we don't know anything about this girl or him, or you. the thing that would make this pure poetry would be for you to show us. show us him holding her hand, and the indignation that you feel, the fevered jealousy and spite, the remorse, the longing. all of this is in there, you just haven't released it. you're probably one of those people who feel most at ease telling her friends about something that happened, you probably have a lot of people you are close to and a sentence as simple as "i did it." would probably disclose a lot for you. here, and with all poetry, you have to take what you ahve of your soul, cut off a slab, and looking at it, DESCRIBE what you see, hear, feel, taste, touch. or take one image or object you associate with him and give it human features, let it show us what's going on. maybe a sweater he gave you, that smells like his cologne, or a certain spot you can't go to without feeling very close to him. that's called a dominant image, and it can be most helpful in writing poetry. let me think of an example: O Rose, thou art sick! The invisible worm That flies in the night, In the howling storm, Has found out thy bed Of crimson joy: And his dark secret love Does thy life destroy. the above is a poem by William Blake called "The Sick Rose." okay, what is the purpose of me posting it here? well, i just wanted you to think about what Blake is TELLING us. he's not TELLING US anything, he's not even talking to us. he's talking to Rose. now we have to think of what he's showing us. there are various interpretations, but i think my favorite is one i heard from a classmate: the rose is a prostitute, the worm is a man, and the dark secret love is a venereal disease. now just think of how that would sound if blake had just told us. O rose, thou art sick you have VD you are a prostitute, this is sad. because Blake shows us a conflict with Rose and shows us her plight, it is open to many interpretations, and therefore we can each FEEL it in a different way, and that makes it an effective poem. i'm sorry if it seems like i went on for a long time, but i think this (and you) have potential. good luck. |
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allis4angel Member
since 2001-04-10
Posts 82Portugal |
I'm not an expert but I found it very nice. |
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