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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Southerner |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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My apologies for posting when I haven't commented on other's work lately. This is a piece for my creative writing course at university - would appreciate any comments anyone chooses to make. Cheers, guys... It isn't what he says really, it's how the words form from his mouth: Pebble-stranded, with more syllables than the English language requires. He carves 'damn' into de-ya-am and she knows his tongue as a foreign object, her fascination in the apprehension - meaning delivered soundlessly. The corruption will remain, like honey-taste - cloying her mouth with poignant imitation. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think this is very good. It rings up until the "her fascination in the apprehension" -- there I thought it sounded like you were trying too much (and it doesn't make sense given the rest of the poem anyway). The only thing I might disagree with here is the use of the accent. If you were indeed talking about the American South, that doesn't sound like anything I've heard. If you weren't, I've never heard that accent before. I don't know what accent you were trying for there. Still, I enjoyed reading this. Thanks. Brad |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Perhaps you meant "Die-Yu-mmm" ...and maybe leaving out the translation would be better,,,something like...carving dman into 3 less harsh words....---all in all though--pretty fair dear--- not quite satpsych but close.... heh  JJamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Brad - thanks so much for the words I think I need to clarify something here - I used apprehension not in the sense of 'fear' but of apprehending rather than comprehending - just hearing the words rather than making sense of them. I guess that didn't come across though lol. Hm - I agree - when read in the 'fear' sense it makes no sense at all - de-yay-am it all. Oh - and that came about from a very specific conversation haha (Jamie - you know you might just win on this one lol). I think it actually worked itself into 4 syllables at one point. And it is surely the American South...hmm..didn't make it huh? When I say de-ya-am it sounds Southern to me, but then - I'm just a furriner...HAHAH. Will work on the translation indeed. And I think I will try to fit 'apprehending' in then rather than 'apprehension.' Jamie - hmmmm...ok...I think what you wrote sounds better than 'de-ya-am' so I guess I am going to have to change it. However - I am CERTAINLY keeping the accent in there - cause that is half the point lol...(heh - you forgot the word before satpsych didn't you? No worries - so have I! LOLLOL) Hugs you  KHey! I just noticed the J...it suits you ~grin~[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 03-13-2001).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well she-it Jamie is certainly closer on the pronunciation of die-yu-mm. But under stress or excitement it could even be stretched out to dy-ee-yum or something close.  Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Hello there. How is you? Rip away eh? I can do that. But I don't have the concentration for that right now. *grins* Just a few quick notes. I don't think really needs a line of its own. I disagree with the contortion of "damn" but that's because I come from the land of no accents (seriously, the send news anchors to Kansas to train to lose any accents they might have). I like the last lines, but they provide an abrupt ending. I think it needs a little more. Just my opinion. Those are my thoughts for now, I might be back later. Bubye. Ryan (oh, remember, time zones never will die, I won't let it. *grins*) "ah, little girls make shadows on the sidewalk shorter than the shadow of death in this town--" - Jack Kerouac |
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
Sorry, I have no place here...just the title caught my eye. It's daaay'uum. Trust me, I've been gone from the south for years...still have the accent. This made me smile. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
GEEEE PETE that was helpful! HAHAHAH Just teasing ya...you come to the English forum - I get rights on teasing you, you know...heh. Now, Ryan - good to see ya I be fine - and you is?Would you like to know WHY it is so short? And why there are a couple of short lines with one word? My English tutor's instructions were: Write a poem 12 lines or less, not using the pronoun 'I' and in present tense. He also made it clear that varying the line length is a good thing... so there you go...I too would like more in it - so after class I may well expand it. I agree the ending is abrupt. I guess I did that to create emphasis on the poignant imitation part. Perhaps too much so? As for time zones? My God - I crossed 18 of them at once (twice) - I lost a whole Thursday my friend. The 8th of March didn't exist for me...I don't want to HEAR about timezones LOLLOL... JLR - glad to give you a smile..always a nice thing to do - what do you mean you have no place here btw? Hey - thanks for commenting... K SAYS - I am stubbornly sticking to Jamie's accent because it is HIS accent that I am talking about here after all - he should know - it's his voice in question! grin K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 03-16-2001).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Geez K, this is Critical Analysis so we can be critical, right? Maybe you should take a short refresher class in arithmetic. I mean for a 12 line or less poem, yours has 13!!   Pete |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Pete - let me tell you my definition of mathematics: 60 55 50 45 40 35 30 25 20 15 10 5 That is a list of numbers. This list represented the amount of 5 minute periods there were in my maths class. I used to cross off these numbers after each lot of 5 minutes. Waiting... waiting.... wa...it...ing I LOATHE maths. I despise and loathe and hate it. So there you go. That's the explanation k? (In all honesty - the lecturer said APPROXIMATELY...I kinda left that bit out to my chagrin...) SO THERE  K...and I have found a lifetime can be lived in one moment... |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Ryan from Kansas: Ya, I'm from Missouri and we don't have no accents neither! ha ha Severn: I am in a Mark Twain course currently, which I thought would be interesting, but is not. It is three hours long. I noticed the girl next to me marking off not every five minutes but every minute left! Okay, now the poem: I love "pebble-stranded" I thought the first of the poem was done in pretty plain language, but gradually the poem graduates to words like fascination, apprehension, corruption, cloying, poignant, etc. The constrast between the oral language and the literary language seem to disect this poem into two parts at the comma on the 9th line. I would either split the poem at that break into two stanzas or try to even at the vocabulary of the poem because basically Southerners won't be albe to comprehend much in the second half. ha ha I have never had a poetry class, but I would imagine that having such external restrictions like "write a 12 line poem" could really interfere with the poetry process and turn what could have been a poem into a homework assignment. However, I think you have avoided that here (not only by using 13 lines anyway, but also by writing an effective poem). Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kamla-- i see you posted this a while back, but since kirk brought it back up here, i thought i'd give you a few of my thoughts on the piece. i really like the tone of the piece, detached, observational, but with a subtle sense of intimacy and a hint of 'darkness' (with all those mouths and tongues and corruption), at least the way i read it. i loved the last lines, your word choices but also the depth they give to the piece as a whole. well done. i, too, was a little confused about the "fascination in the apprehension" at first. i didn't think the translation thing was too bad; i've usually seen it as "day-um", but hey, lol, you were there, and if you heard three syllables, then that's what it was, lol. there certainly ain't no right or wrong way of doing it, lol. thanks for an interesting read, hope to see more of your stuff out here! jenni |
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