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(inspired by the Road)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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(inspired by the Road) |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
moving away from the heartlands passing acres of field and pasture. shantied up houses rows of pines knick-knacks for sale on the side of the road feeling Beat like Kerouac -Jack to be exact- seeing this country and it's places new sights new sounds new people new faces the desire for the road collides with my soul pack it up and get on the move leave the world behind eat at little diners in texas -the southern deserts- sleep in alleys in cali -the pacific- walk next to miles of corn and crop -the midwest prairies- drink in small bars in small fishing towns -the eastern coast- meandering back to the Swamps to my culture on the Bayous home. To see it all, to live it all and write a few poems along the way. "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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| © Copyright 2001 rich cooper - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Good idea. Here are a few suggestions for improvement: -try to avoid vague language ex: "acres of fields and pastures" tell me something that make me see, feel, (preferably not smell ha ha) these pastures, what is specific about them, what are they or what are they like, etc. -lose the line "Jack to be exact" We either got the reference or we didn't and a first name won't help. Plus I liked the line "feeling Beat like Kerouac" and this line somehow overdid it for me -I like the collision reference on the road, but I would try to rephrase it to be more visual and probably use something more concrete than you soul for it to collide into (the rest of the poem seems more concrete than this one line) -lose the line "leave the world behind" which may or may not be an unconscious snatch from a popular song by Everclear ("we can live beside the ocean, leave the world behind, swim out past the breakers, watch the world die..."). I hope my comments are helpful. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
I have to agree with Kirk about the Jack line and the soul line. I think "soul" has been over killded and i think it can collide with something else more real more now. something that taht the reader associate with. thanks see ya |
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