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Storm
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Storm |
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mere enigma Junior Member
since 2001-01-29
Posts 18 |
let me stir up a storm wind in my hair and rain in my ears thunder in my brain and fire in my heart let me stir your existence with silver rain and flash my fury through your pain let me rage against your strength let me strike your calm blend your thoughts and meticulous words till nothing left but sticks and shreds of promises and dream houses in the mist and sticky mud in your hair let me wash your favorite fantasy with drips and drops and rivulets bleed colors from your home blow madness through every room break the windows of your head and throw shards of regret at your bed let me fume and twist and pummel leave a trail through your careful plans breaking memories in my frenzy losing you in seething sleet and pummeling you with hating hail let me blow you across my pain thrust you into my hurricane swirl you up, flailing, screaming wishing you could be dreaming let me – no, watch me- I will leave blood on your windowsill uproot your years of kissing and scatter seeds of wanting and missing leave your rivers swollen and bursting and you hurting This started out not rhyming, and then as I got into it, the rhymes just made sense. The rhythm of the first half is choppy also. I would like to develop it some more. Suggestions? |
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| © Copyright 2001 Mere Enigma - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I think you've got some excellent lines here. I like the overall soft tone for all this venom and poison. I've always found the word pain to be somewhat non-poetic and difficut to use though admittedly it does have power. You use it twice in this poem -- both times very well. I was impressed. The flow of this poem is good. In one spot where it obviously wasn't good I attributed it to a typo. There's nothing too original about the line 'thunder in my brain and fire in my heart' but that was about the only line I thought may not have been adequate -- particularly the 'fire in my heart'side. I enjoyed reading this! |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hello, I enjoyed this piece overall; your imagery and diction show polish and skill. However, since this is CA, I will tell you the few blemishes I found: "wind in my hair and rain in my ears thunder in my brain and fire in my heart" Good ideas all, but a bit overdone in combination. Perhaps what nagged me here was that you used the same format for all four images: "(thus) in my (so)." Keep all four forces of nature, if you will – just rephrase them a bit.  "let me stir your existence with silver rain" This is just personal preference, but I don't like the re-use of "rain" so soon after line 2. Might be solved, though, if you edit according to my first suggestion. *shrug* "till nothing left but sticks and shreds of promises and dream houses in the mist and sticky mud in your hair" Same as above with "stick" and "sticky" "and pummeling you with hating hail" "Hating" doesn't work for me as an adjective. On the gushingly complimentary side, I thought the following was especially delightful: "let me wash your favorite fantasy with drips and drops and rivulets bleed colors from your home blow madness through every room break the windows of your head and throw shards of regret at your bed" Thanks very much for an evening treat. Went well with my coffee!  Linda |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Others have pointed out some of the problem lines here. This has a nice punch to it (it's exciting to read) but I don't detect a shift in concept along with the shift to rhyme. If you're following your feelings here on the rhythm and rhyme, perhaps you've changed your mind on what you were trying to say as well. Actually, I can see a way to argue this style but I'm not going to tell you what it is. Interesting work, Brad |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
This really is an excellent piece. It seemed to pick up momentum as it progressed and I really liked "bleeding colors and drips and drops". This was a nice read. forrest |
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