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Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

0 posted 2001-04-08 03:45 PM

Dripping water atop my head
As I lay here surrounded by scorching sand,
Images of mirages appear,
As I try to keep my mind sincere,
Eyes squint to absolute nothingness
The thought of greenery flashes my mind,
Palm trees swaying in the distance,
Waterfall rumbles in all its glory,
Vibrant colleagues of life appear
Blinking of my eyes cause all to disappear,
Looking around to handle reality,
Sharpening my mind to for fall no such tricks
What to believe is getting hard to choose,
Mirages running wildly loose,
Sun is enjoying the show
Watching my mind sinking ever low,
Keeping my mind afloat,
I decided to stop thinking,
Tired by the tricks,
Even my eyes have stop blinking,
Mirages have now vanish forever,
As I sit here philosophizing all this over.

Ronil (Inspiration for my poems is all around me for my muse is my reality.)

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2001-04-09 03:06 PM

My impression. Too many disjoint ideas and images. I find that I am completely out of breath before I get halfway through. I think maybe you intended that, at least to some extent. It may be just me but I could never really pull this one together in my head.

I like the idea of the mirage and philosophizing as presented at the end. But overall, I guess maybe it just rambles a bit too much with no real thread to draw it all together to the conclusion.

JMHO,

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

2 posted 2001-04-09 05:27 PM

Here are my suggestions:
As it is, this poem is very much like a list of images. It might enhance the experience for the reader is if they seemed to flow into each other in some way. Some unity is provided by the common theme of the mirage, but for this poem to live up to its potential the images need to interact in a more meaningful way.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

3 posted 2001-04-09 06:19 PM

I wanted to make the poetry sound like I was rambling because the character has lost the touch with reality. So he/she rambles on with no rhytmic and logical sense.

Ronil (Inspiration for my poems is all around me for my muse is my reality.)

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