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Talking Sense
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Talking Sense |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
I seem to be stumped with this one. Especially the 1st few stanzas. Any help woul be appreciated. Talking Sense (To the Men of My Life) 4/3/01 I don’t want to be what you want, this I promise, nor just a wife and a mother of two point four kids; I don’t want to see the world through a limo or miss the bottoms of clouds through panes of planes; I don’t want to hear train whistles or the clickety clack as the wheels pass me by; I don’t want to smell someone else’s garden and I don’t want to taste someone else’s first fruit; I don’t want to touch the cut of my diamond or be told that it’s dangerous to do my own thing; I don’t want to feel that I’m not allowed or be told that I can’t because of my gender; I don’t want to sit and watch the Pavo ballet I want to discover constellations of my own. I don’t want to be barefoot and pregnant I must be the poet. Why can’t you understand... I don’t want to be Vanna White. I want to buy the vowel. I want to solve the puzzle. by Panne [This message has been edited by Panne447 (edited 04-05-2001).] |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Very good poem. I love the last stanza. For me it is appropriate that it comes last and holds the essence and power of the poem. If this were my poem I would consider reducing the poem to only this single stanza. I recommend the following changes: 1. This poem has some very powerful and original parts--and some parts that were less so. Consider cutting stanzas 1,3,6. 2. Alter the lines: "I don't want to see/the world through a limo", "or be told that it’s dangerous/to do my own thing" to more originally phrased variations of the same ideas 3. Why don't you want to touch the cut of your diamond? The real power of this statement i think is still latent and needs to be expressed more clearly/specifically I would be very interested in seeing a revised version of this poem posted! I hope my comments are helpful. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Kirk, Very helpful! I will work on it today. One question - where do I repost it. below this or somewhere else - I have seen reposts but I was under the understanding that we shouldn't do that. Can you help with that too. Thanks a million. Panne |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Kirk and anyone, Is this any better. It isn't very often when the end line, phrase, or stanza comes to me first. This was one of those times and I had no idea where or how to go with the rest. Any more suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. Maybe the first stanza is superfluous too now that I look at it again... Any help will be considered, for sure. I kept the limo line but added the 'your' I think that was what I missed putting in there the 1st time. Your thoughts help refine mine, Kirk. Thanks. Panne Talking Sense (To the Men of My Life) rew:4/7/01 I can’t be your daughter, I can’t be your wife If all of my being must be wrapped up in your life. I don’t want to see the world through your limos Or miss the bottoms of clouds through your company planes; I don’t want to proofread your essays and proposals While trains pass me by to places unknown; I don’t want to smell someone else’s garden And I don’t want to taste someone else’s first fruit; I don’t want to just touch the cut of my diamond When it seems much more fun to mine a few of my own; I don’t want to sit and watch the Pavo ballet. I want to discover constellations of my own. I don’t want to be barefoot and pregnant I must be the poet. Why can’t you understand... I don’t want to be Vanna White. I want to buy the vowel. I want to solve the puzzle. by Panne iPlease ask for permission before you copy my work to your files or a greeting card. Thank you. Panne/i |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hi panne  i wont critique this time but perhaps tell you of an incident this reminded me of... a very good girlfriend once asked me "kaile, given a choice, will you rather be the driver of a taxi or the passenger who gets to be driven around?" i answered "though i am always the passenger and this may seem contradictory, i will want to be a taxi driver because i want to know things by myself on my own terms" awww...memories  |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
oops, i did think the revised version is better..good job panne kai |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I am not sure about the reposts. I think it is okay to post revised versions or portions under the orignal work (as you did). I liked the changes you made. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Panne, Re: your question on reposting. One reason reposting is discouraged is to conserve storage. If you just change a few words, maybe you can just describe the changes in the current thread. Use your judgement. However, if you make major changes, it is usually acceptable to start a new thread. If you do that, you should indicate it is a repost in the subject, just as a courtesy to your readers. BTW, I like the revised version better too. It just seems to hold together better, doesn't ramble so much. Kirk, I like you disclaimer. Pete |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Thank you all so much for your input and views and for answering my questions. I am - unfortunately - still working on this one - and I believe I changed the title but my book is in the other room so will have to get back to you with the changes. Again, thanks for your help. Panne |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Panne, statistics-loving me like the bit about 2.4 kids..ha! i want to discover constellations of my own good lines and nodding along with you...i feel that often too... |
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