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Critical Analysis #1
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The Stone...also posted in open
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Stone...also posted in open |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan 
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This is also posted in open, but I would really appreciate some criticism....I have re-written this poem about 6 times in both rhyming and free verse. I hope someone can give me some critical feedback on it......thanks, Lyra with lopsided grin so wide his tawny hair, a tousled mess my tears have not yet dried today I bought a stone for him the mason's hammer struck hard breaking my heart into pieces splinters of slick granite shards headstone tombstone gravestone deathstone he lies beneath the earth alone his pall encased in rites of dirt sealed soft with weedy green where saffron sculpted flowers flirt with lace of Ann the Queen he slumbers neath the loamy soil I cannot wake him ever "he's late for school again" I think but now he sleeps forever copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
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| © Copyright 2001 Lyra Nesius - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Queen Anne's lace is my favorite flower. I think this is done very well. I actually thought the Queen Anne's lace line was a little too contorted, and it got awkward there, but otherwise this has good flow and imagery, and was overall very effective in conveying grief. I enjoyed the read. "I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
lyra-- i thought this piece was very well done, and quite touching. like hush, though, i was bothered by the "lace of Ann the Queen" line; it's too contorted, and a poem as beautiful as this doesn't deserve it. the problem may well be that the prior line, ending with 'green', sets up the wrong rhyme; it might be better if you had something in the second line of that stanza that will rhyme with 'lace', i think. something to think about, anyway. thanks for sharing this with us. jenni |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
Just yesterday, his hug was warm with lopsided grin so wide his tawny hair, a tousled mess my tears have not yet dried should there be punctuation marks between "wide-his and mess-my?" tToday I bought a stone for him the mason's hammer struck hard breaking my heart into pieces splinters of slick granite shards again punctuation marks seem to be missing and your heart broke into pieces or splinters - 2 adjectives to describe what happened? headstone tombstone gravestone deathstone he lies beneath the earth alone [b]That part I thought to be most excellent his pall encased in rites of dirt sealed soft with weedy green where saffron sculpted flowers flirt with lace of Ann the Queen That verse works well. he slumbers neath the loamy soil I cannot wake him ever "he's late for school again" I think but now he sleeps forever Besides some missing punctuation marks and the pieces/splinter thingy, this was well written and rhymed. I sensed your sadness all the way through. copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Thanks Jenni and Hush....I'll work on that one and re-post it if I ever get it to read better. copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Thanks for the input, JCP I always thought that punctuation wasn't required in poems....especially at the beginnings and ends of lines. Line breaks can be used instead....the new line, being the beginning of the new thought. Am I wrong? I think you are probably right about the pieces/splinters thing...they both mean pretty much the same thing. Thanks for your help...I will work on this poem some more. copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
This is a revision, please tell me what you think...thanks lopsided grin, so wide his tawny hair, a tangled mess my tears have not yet dried today I bought a stone for him carved from a mother's tears her heart broken into pieces one for each of his years headstone tombstone gravestone deathstone he lies beneath the earth alone his pall encased in rites of dirt sealed soft with weedy grace where saffron sculpted buttercups are wound with Queen Ann's lace he slumbers neath the loamy soil composing dreams of never he must be late for school again but, no, he sleeps forever copyright2001 Lyra Nesius "poetry is life distilled" Gwendolyn Brooks [This message has been edited by Madame Chipmunk (01-11-2002 12:05 PM).] |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Lyra, his pall encased in rites of dirt sealed soft with weedy grace where saffron sculpted buttercups are wound with Queen Ann's lace I like this verse much better. And the punctuation added in other portions helps this poem as well. The other lack of punctuation, I think, contributes to the feeling of loss...so I'd leave it out. Again, I can't help but ache at your horrible loss. He certainly deserves this much effort in your wonderful attempt to honor him. Bless you. [This message has been edited by Larry C (01-11-2002 12:24 AM).] |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Thanks so much for your helpful critique, Larry. copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Actually, I like the first version first... I would just switch the Queen Anne's Lace stanza with the revised one, and it would work really well. I like the element of surprise that it's a son and not a lover at the end... I'd keep that. "I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow |
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punksmurf Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37new hampshire, U.S. |
wow, both were very powerful al though i like the second better, the imagery was more clear and the words seemed better constructed, i enjoyed your poem to the fullest ~Me |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
 I read this one again, in silence, in honor of son and mother, and all who are left behind to remember. Missing our little chipmunkster. |
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