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Sunday Afternoon
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sunday Afternoon |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
The cold brown leaves, from their sleeping boughs, Broadcast themselves loudly across the sunburned sky. Drift lightly into soft beds upon December ground. Static haunts the fringes of the music from the radio. It is broadcast softly across my soul, carries me hastily to sleep. Dusk, like the rains soon to wash me away, Falls violently on the evening; and the day dies beautifully while I am at peace. Jason |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi there, old friend! =) I haven't been here in quite a while. Have I missed much? Anyway, I'm not quite sure whether to be uplifted or depressed by your poem. Your interesting diction gives it multiple meanings, but I'm not sure if I could pinpoint just one. Did you intend this? Your work never seems to be very clear-cut or obvious, of course, but maybe this one is more so. Maybe I just need more sleep in fully "get" it. The imagery did come through, though, clearly and in detail. I could definitely get into what the speaker was seeing and hearing. The choice of "broadcast" in a description of leaves was neat. Then you use it again later in its more conventional sense, referring to a radio. Are these two images connected? Or did you not intend them to be? I'll try to come back and read this again to see if I have any more insights. I'll let you know if I do. Take care, Ashley |
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
This poem has a nice feel to it, but I believe it would be much helped by doing some cutting. For example, I had this idea for your second stanza, Static fringed radio music soul-broadcasted carries me to sleep. This is only a suggestion, but it is the kind of cutting that I think your poem could benefit from. I also would suggest omitting all the adverbs in this poem. To me, adverbs generally do not benefit a poem because they tell the reader how to think. For example, I don't need to be told that the "day dies beautifully." If all you tell me is that the day dies, the image is more open to interpretation and the reader can imagine the death of the day any way they want, not just that it is beautiful. This poem wants to be smaller, I think. By having strong economy, I think this poem can break a few shells and be more intriguing and refreshing. As it stands now, the language doesn't turn me on, necessarily. However, when you can edit with tact and create images and descriptions out of less, I think you will have gained that creative edge that can transform this poem from an OK poem into a titillating poem. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jason, I think I finally figured out what it is about this poem to me. In some ways I agree with Ashley and Greg but in others I don't. In looking at it overall, I get a generally good feel about the first and last stanza but not the second. I see that you want to indicate coming sleep but for some reason this stanza just doesn't fit the mood of the others. Not only is the wording different but the tone too. Now I'm getting redundant. One final comment on the last stanza. The idea of dusk falling violently seems jarring, again as compared to the overall feeling. Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Nice poem. Just a couple things I wanted to draw your attention to for when you are revising. First, I noticed a lot of sound repetitions (which I thought was a good thing); I know that sometimes (for me, at least) this occurs naturally and other times it is purposeful. If you did not plan the sounds that way, I think you should keep the repetition of sounds in mind especially the use of the similar sounds d,b, and v. Also, I found myself asking Why is it Sunday afternoon as opposed to any other day or why a specific day at all? Sunday combined with the overtones of death in the poem made me try to relate it somehow to religion. I get the idea that Sunday is an end rather than a first day in this poem, but reading it as a beginning certainly changes the overall implications. I hope my comments are helpful. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jason-- this is a really interesting piece, one that stays in the mind for a while after you've read it. i liked the repetition of 'broadcast' in the first two stanzas, the whole death/dying/sleeping/coming-to-an-end thing going on in the piece, and the wonderful sound throughout (as kirk noted). very well done. i thought maybe the piece could stand a slight pruning here and there, to get rid of some words (little words, prepositions and articles, mostly) that don't really add much to the meaning or feel of the piece overall. it might also benefit from being made a little more active in the first two stanzas. i absolutely hate doing this, and i apologize in advance, but i think the easiest way to show you what i mean is to show you: ~~~~~ Cold brown leaves, from sleeping boughs, broadcast themselves across a sunburned sky, drifting lightly into soft beds upon December's ground. Static haunts the fringes of a radio's music broadcast softly across my soul, carrying me hastily to sleep. Dusk, like the rains soon to wash me away, violently falls on evening; the day dies beautifully while I am at peace. ~~~~~ yeah, i know, i just hacked up your nice poem, huh. sorry. but i hope you see what i'm driving at, getting rid of a few extraneous words to improve the flow. anyway, just my opinion (and again, sorry for doing the rewrite). thanks for a very interesting read. jenni |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Liked the doubling of "broadcast". Not so keen on "soul". But, as Kirk and Jenny have said, the small nits are more than made up for by the pleasant "sound" and "color" of the piece. Thanks. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Hello Everyone, This poem was posted before being finished I just wanted to get some ideas as to where I needed to spruce it up. I agree with everyone about it becoming choppy in places, but noone has figured out what I was intending. That was my fault. See if ya'll can catch it on the re-write. I promise it will be clearer.  Thanks everyone for reading and sorry for taking so long to reply I've been doing some PC maintenance. J.L.H. Jason |
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