»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
her hand
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
her hand |
|
|
roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
this time i didn't cry when he left i think you had a hand in that it would be just like you and you chide me for my morbidity, everyday picturing some sad lump of soil with a headstone i couldn't quit touching even if it's too far away i still see the flowers in west virginia when i close my eyes, they dance in the wind like the hem of your skirt as you talked and i feel it gliding over me eighteen hundred green ribbons each one a little tear in me and this tear grows wider... this year all the trees grew blossoms at the same time i think you had a hand in that all good things she's got her little white hand in it tammy i wish you had that hand in mine "Faith means not wanting to know what is true." Nietzsche [This message has been edited by roxane (edited 04-11-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Roxane, It's good to see you back. Yes, I see the tie between this and my latest. I really like the way you said it. Tom, "I think you had a hand in that", is a terrific line. It says so much more that its words. Flowers, dancing ribbons and such may be a common image but I like the way you presented it. You know I'm not much good at free verse but if you and Kris and a couple of others keep showing me how it should be done, I will gradually learn at least a little. So, keep writing and don't stay away so long. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
rox-- very beautiful piece here, i really enjoyed this. i especially liked the repetition of the "you had a hand" phrase and the way that made the ending more powerful. very well done. the third stanza is quite wonderful, very nice images there with the flowers and the wind and the hem of the skirt. i really liked the last two stanzas, too, simple but quite touching. in the second stanza, "everyday, forever" and "perpetually" is maybe a bit too much, a bit too broad and vague and repetitious, in my opinion. in the fourth stanza, when you write "i feel it gliding over me," i was a little confused about what the "it" refers to... the grave? the wind? the hem of her skirt? i think you mean the wind, but, to me, anyway, it wasn't clear. anyway, small crits in an otherwise beautiful piece. well done! thanks for a good read. jenni |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
This poem has a very definite mood and the ending has a twist that I liked. Very sad. I agree with Jenni about reducing the redundant and vague language. I would lose lines which do clarify somewhat but are ultimately unnecessary such as: "i'm pretty sure you did," "even if it's too far away," "when i close my eyes," "as you talked". I liked the images of the green ribbons and was wondering if there is a signifigance in the number 1800? Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
||
|
furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
"all good things she's got her little white hand in it tammy i wish you had that hand in mine" The witholding of the name until the end was extremely effective and poignant. A nice read. Thanks. |
||
|
roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i'm going to go back and make some adjustments to the grave stanza. i think you're right jenni. i also wanted to explain the green ribbon: when tammy died, all her students wore green ribbons, 1800 in all. thanks for the help. |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hey rox-- i like the changes you made to second stanza, good job. the word "morbidity" is maybe a tad awkward even on the best of days, lol, but i think it works here. i still have the problem with what "it" refers to in the first line of the fourth stanza, though. the more i read this piece, the more i like the second to last stanza; very beautiful. again...great job on this rox! jenni |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
