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On Maui
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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On Maui |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
The gardens of Maui fill the pages of my red notebook while my green notebook awaits further instructions. Red is coded for rough draft futures. Green is coded for growth. Sitting on a wooden bench then standing on a miniature wooden bridge that spans a reedy botanical brook I fill the red notebook with green notions two days following Christmas. Happy holidays! Happy New Millennium 2001! I wonder what Allen Ginsberg wrote or would have written about Maui – what substance his first lash might cut. I wonder if Ginsberg would agree that ducks look and swim the same in Maui’s botanical gardens as they do in Utah’s Rocky Mountain winter wetlands. Gracefully gliding in lush year round brown, green, yellow, and blue -- or in cloudy cold inversions thousands of miles distant. Frantically flapping when feeders cast their bread upon the waters. And if this wonderful Hawaiian weather matches their fowl moods better than Utah’s musky fog: they quack no inclination. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Marq - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I'm very surprised that you've received nothing on this so far. It merits at least a few "well-done"s, if not necessarily a plethora of scathing critiques.  This worked well for me ... the conversational and musing tone drew me into the thoughts of the speaker and actually gave me a "hmmm" moment with the Ginsberg question -- what, indeed? You wasted no words here -- I'd not change a thing in that department. In fact, I have only one suggestion: I would replace the period in line 4 with a semicolon; it allows for the hard pause you want while still allowing what I perceive as one thought (notebook assignments) to continue. This was a pleasure to read. Thank you. Linda |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Marq, I'm not sure what effect you were trying for with this poem, but it read to me like un-edited ramblings. Almost like the type of thing one would note in a diary, or a scribble pad taken on a journey to capture mind sketches on the way. It seems void of any single direction or continuity, so much so that I'm in grave danger of rambling about it myself.. perhaps you can help me see where you were going, or went on this one. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
I found this to be an interesting poem. I was able to follow the interplay of poetry and gardening. I feel this was well written and for me was a joy to read. forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 03-06-2001).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I also enjoyed this. I thought the randomness contributed to the overall spontaneous feel and I liked the 'fowl nature' part. The only thing I was left wondering was why you didn't try to imitate ginsberg's style (he's almost always got that spontaneous edge to him). Just an opinion, Brad |
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