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To Stone (a repost)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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To Stone (a repost) |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada 
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this poem was first posted in teen poetry 4. i kinda what a more in depth analysis of it. thanks. The tears trek down my cheeks the black ribbons of unhappiness curl around my neck, squeezing the life I have away from me the hand I hold small and innocent grasps trying to pull me closer the shake of my hand can't get it to let go, the small nails dig into my palm drawing blood and love the laughter of its green soul, burning my heart, the tugging and ripping and the seams, pull me to the ground Your voice floats in the air, your laughter pulls me away from reality I try and turn and see your laughter, but I'm anchored to the ground by vines, the laughter your voice fades away, I never really did get to say goodbye, the tears run freely they won't stop, I want to be strong but I can't I need you to come and be here keep me safe and happy, show how life is great all I can do is cry and be afraid come save me!please! i need you dont let me go.... Regina |
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| © Copyright 2001 Regina Levy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You seem very interested in explaining the strength of your emotion but in doing so you create the opposite reaction in me. I like understatement rather than hyperbole and thus wish you had spent less time on the tears, the pain, the sorrow and more on the moment of departure. I like the vine image here and wonder if you might concentrate on that moment, a metaphorical one perhaps but still an idea that might lead to a stronger concrete image. The person leaves (presumable his name is Stone) but you don't explain why you don't follow -- an exploration of the vines might lead to some interesting ideas and images. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hi, Ina ... Let me begin by saying that I enjoyed reading this – I thought your imagery was well-chosen for the subject and rendered effectively. This is especially delightful because it is so unusual to find this talent in someone your age (I am assuming that you are a teen as per your mention of this piece's original posting - you have my permission to kick me if I'm wrong).  On first reading, my mind tied the "tears" and the "black ribbons of unhappiness" together ... I suppose I was imagining someone crying and their mascara running (I know, how unromantic), or the wetness darkening their cheeks, what have you. At any rate, I liked this ... unfortunately, I think I might have been wrong in my perception, but I just thought I would mention the possible link. "nails dig into my palm drawing blood and love" Wow! Loved this ... the ‘love' was an unexpected but pleasant surprise. "the laughter of its green soul, burning my heart," Also good, but the first comma is unnecessary and incorrectly placed. "the tugging and ripping and the seams, pull me to the ground" Did you mean to say ‘ripping at the seams? "I try and turn and see your laughter" Too many "ands." Perhaps, "I turn, trying to see your laughter?" The second ‘laughter' on the next line is repetitive as well ... you might try leaving it at the voice fading away (which still implies the laughter). "the tears run freely they won't stop" Punctuate! (Or exclude ‘they won't stop') I need you to come and be here keep me safe and happy, show how life is great all I can do is cry and be afraid come save me!please! i need you dont let me go.... This seems to come out of left field to me ... your switch from imagery to plea diffuses the power of the preceding lines. If you must entreat, do so efficiently: in one line or less if possible, keeping in mind that it must be strong and poetic enough to do credit to a well-crafted bit of poetry. Well done. I look forward to seeing your edit of this piece. Linda |
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