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Lone Oak
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Lone Oak |
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AWood0813 Junior Member
since 2001-02-23
Posts 21 |
A chilly night wind blows across the desolate moor scattering the leaves of a lone oak with a forlorn hope out and away from the outstretched branches of the tree which seem to claw at empty air in utmost vain the leaves dance and frolick in a taunting manner leaving the lone oak unprotected, naked, and bare Standing alone under a cloudy, starless night sky with an unemotional full moon looking down the stoic oak weeps silent tears of bitter symphony to the heartless and cruel scyamore trees across the way gathered together and bowing to the slightest wind the group mocks the lone oak for its exalted ideals standing bravely up to the group and the increasing wind of the unexpected storm sweeping down upon the land the oak weathers the howling wind and crashing thunder in a desperate antcipation of a new day while the copse of trees wails in unharmonious terror at the fury of the gails retributation The dawning of a new day makes the aftermath clear as the radiant sun shines down upon the barren land the wicked scyamore trees are shown in true form as being twisted and warped from their loose morals whereas the lone oak is seen in its full glory of being tall, strong, proud, and majestic AWood0813 |
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| © Copyright 2001 AWood0813 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey - just a question - how often are oaks found in moors? It just seemed a bit odd - shrug..just curious.  K...and I have found a lifetime can be lived in one moment... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You immediately reminded me of Rush with this poem and although your poem ends differently then the song, the message seems to be the same. You creat a nice atmosphere but would have liked the message to have been a little less heavy handed. What about personifying the trees more and making the Oak not quite as majestic and the sycamores less wicked? Just an opinion, Brad |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
If I had to describe the weakness of this piece in one word, real or imagined, it would be "adjectivous." Adjectives are very much like salt: they make a delightful seasoning when used sparingly, but in sufficient quantity they become unhealthful. They are also quite frequently overused, so despair not – you are not the first to err thus, and you will not be the last. The trick is knowing when an adjective (or adverb) will enrich the image you are presenting instead of stating the obvious. A good rule of thumb to apply in this piece might be one per line; less if possible, in case you absolutely must double up here or there for effect. Additionally, I must echo Severn in questioning you about the nature of your moor. The "lone oak" was allowable, but whence came the stand of sycamores? Sounds a bit more like a forest meadow to me ...  Stanza three, last line: the words you want are "gale's" and "retribution," I believe. Stanza four, last line: the ‘of being' is unnecessary and (I believe) grammatically incorrect. The adjectives could easily stand on their own here if the preceding line ended in a colon. Criticism aside, this was an impressive effort and shows a good deal of promise. A little trim here and there would increase this piece's effect a hundredfold. Linda |
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