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Critical Analysis #1
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In Lands Where Death's Beautiful
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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In Lands Where Death's Beautiful |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Hey all. I was originally going to repost this one here at a later time, but since it sank so fast in the place where I originally posted it[Teen Poetry #4] I decided I'd best post it here sooner than later. This is my experimental form. Hope you like it. Let me know what I can improve upon.[BTW, Don't expect too much in the way of meter in this piece. I've not been concentrating on developing that much lately. Too hard, lol] In lands where death's as beautiful As the coming of the cool night, And oak trees nurse their pitiful Defiance in crystaline light, There came a youth to fight and die for some Old cause now left in graveyards since call'd slums. He took up a shield of virtue, A sword of determination, A heart that is slow to argue And a mind of revelation. Thus arm'd in sweet elation, into these Dead slums he went and fought and kill'd with ease. In righteous anger he fought And killed the orcs and demons; With determination he taught Them well, cursing like a seaman. The cops chased him as demon and orc Escap'd into the hands of lawful work. The people rejoiced when all Was complete and the man was caught Screaming and slaying just for all To see and long for silence sought Only by the fallen and bought fools of Old faiths, now slain by a commercial love. [This message has been edited by fractal007 (edited 02-26-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
One thing I can tell you immediately, don't capitalize the begining of every line....it slows down the flow, because the reader is expecting a whole new thought, not a continuation of the previous. "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." [This message has been edited by Saxoness (edited 02-26-2001).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Just gotta disagree with that statement. The generally accepted convention is to cap every line. True, this has changed fairly recently and many current writers no longer do this but I disagree that there's a reason for doing it either way or rather the reason is more along the lines of whether you want to be seen as a traditionalist or a postmodernist. The reason to cap each line is that it looks nice and symmetrical (it looks like a poem) and I agree that's probably not much of a reason but once this is known, the caps shouldn't really be a problem in reading a poem. Perhaps, you've been reading too much modern poetry lately?  It has nothing to do with end stopped lines or enjambment. Go with what you feel most comfortable with or with how you wish your poem to be seen. Oh yeah, the poem. I'll be back. Brad |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I'm really quite impressed with this. I like the way you rhymed light/fight, revelation/elation, seaman/demon, sought/bought in addition to the words at the ends of the lines. I didn't like the 'heart that is slow to argue'. Doesn't jive well in my mind. In the last stanza you rhyme 'all' and 'all'. Why not rhyme 'fought' and 'fought' in the third stanza instead of 'fought' and 'taught'? 'Taught' seems wrong there to me. The fourth stanza could probably be improved the most of any of the stanza's. You rhyme 'all' and 'all' as I mentioned and rhyme 'of' and 'love'. Plus it's easy to stumble there while reading the last stanza. All told quite an impressive effort! I liked it a lot. |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
Well, this is how I see it. Yes, capping every line can be and often is done, but not however, without a specific purpose in doing so. I failed to find such a reason in this particular poem. (Now there may be one, and I am just not seeing it.) While it may look nice, I don't think it looks symetrical, I think the left side is too "heavy" and it is, in fact, distracting. (Or at least it was to me.) Traditionally when one reads a "line" or a "sentence" we know that a capital letter signifies the begining of a new thought unless it is in referrence to a pronoun. It's tricky with poetry, because the format is different compared to a prose piece. But this makes it even more important for us, as poets, to pay attention to it. You are saying less, and therefore more weight is put on each line. The capital letters were a hindrance. Thanks "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." [This message has been edited by Saxoness (edited 02-27-2001).] |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Saxoness: I capitalized the lines mostly for the sake of making it look traditional[well, not post modern, as Brad suggested. It's also my habbit to capitalize lines all the time] and also because I wanted to combine a bit of an old fantasy storytelling format with this more modern setting. The hero starts out with good intentions but then descends into some madman out on the streets killing and stuff. Brad: I do feel most comfortable capitalizing each line. For some reason, when I read poems that do not capitalize lines, I have a hard time getting the ideas that they convey. Maybe it's just some subconscious thing, but the lines don't seem to ingrain into my mind as well as more traditionally capitalized lines do. Marq: I agree with you on the Heart... line. In fact, I just realized that I goofed on my tenses. It should in the very least, have been "A heart that was slow to argue", instead of "is." I can't think of much to do with that "all" "all" rhyme. I don't think I could fix that without messing up the message of that last stanza. I tried to make it so that there was no real "conclusive" last line or anything like that, but more a sense of "life goes on." Finally, the "fought" and "taught" is for the purpose of showing that the weapons[sword was the symbol used here, basically to group offensive weapons like guns and whatnot into one category] he used and his determination were interchangable. Basically, he felt that he could teach people a lesson "by the sword." In the next line it is revealed that he taught them with determination. This connects the offensive weaponry to the preceding stanza which describes one of the elements of his weaponry as a "sword of determination." I do concede that the fourth stanza was quite a bit of a tricky thing for me to write. It is meant to convey that nothing has really been changed by either the "hero" or his good intentions. All is still the same. I thank you, for your compliments on the rhyming of light and fight, etc. I kind of started doing that by accident in that first stanza, but then decided that it might be an effective tool to use to make the last two rhyming lines even more connected with the preceding four interlocking rhymes. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Frac, if you want to cap lines then just do it. That is certainly a well established, time honored tradition. Besides that, I like them that way too, well at least in what seems to be a more traditional piece. Somehow, I find it interesting that anyone would have a particularly difficult time reading or understanding or enjoying a poem based on the capitalization scheme, whether caps or not. It seems to me that the content is the important thing. Well, that's my opinion. So, I guess I am siding with Brad here. BTW, I did enjoy your writing, just haven't had time to really analyze and do it credit. Not a simple piece, you know Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Stanza one: what's pitiful about an oak tree? This image fails to convince me. Not fond of "crystalline" either (which, BTW, is misspelled – *wink*), but that's just burnout and personal preference. "A heart that is slow to argue" with what? I would think a warrior much more suited to his job if he had a more quarrelsome heart, at least with respect to his ‘enemy.' "A mind of revelation" – nah. Sentence fragment here (and here). Though ‘revelation' is a noun, it is ill-equipped to stand on its own; it needs explanation. Were you aware that an "orc" is a cetacean (whale/dolphin)? Well, yes, I know that's not what you meant, but it certainly plants a funny image in one's mind. I don't like this word, probably because it's one of the less-known beasties you could have mentioned (D&D enthusiasts exempted, here). I especially don't like the repetition of it. But that's just me. Last stanza kicks, at least in theory. It could use a smattering of punctuation, however. An interesting offering, all in all. Enjoyed the read. Linda |
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