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30 year mortgage
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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30 year mortgage |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
The glistening pavement. Cobblestone walkways leading to the good houses. All littered with my discarded emotion, as I walk the long way home. No feeling compares to emptiness. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
I like your brevity. It is difficult to do this and still retain the larger meaning. I see strong hints of this done very well in your poem. However, I believe that this poem would greatly benefit from the deletion of the last line. The emptiness is implied in the poem. I think that by saying it, you are forcing the reader to think it, and that makes the poem less effective. Wallace Stevens once said, "Resist the intelligence almost successfully." He means the intelligence of the reader, and you must resist it. Let the nuances of the language take the reader where they need to go. In addition to this, I think that you need a different adjective in the first line in place of "glistening." This is somewhat contradictory to the tone of the poem, and deflates the idea before it even takes off. So, maybe something along the lines of somber, tone-wise. "...the long way home..." begs the reader for pathos, perhaps tone it down a bit. Some readers may not like the fragment as the beginning line, but I don't mind it. However, as always, the language could always be more invigorated. I think that after some revision, this will be a well written concise poem that does much with very little. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I really like this little piece... I am inclined to agree with Greg about the last line - it really isn't necessary - it takes away the force... I'm kind of a punctuation police officer lol...especially in freeverse (the only kind of poetry I write...) Your poem, to me, quite simply does NOT need it. I'd also take out the initial capitals in all lines except the first. Also, I think that cobblestone sounds better as cobblestoned - no matter what you do with the glistening...the hard ending of the 'ed' suits the sound of the piece overall. So with my suggestions it would end up looking like this: The glistening pavement cobblestoned walkways leading to the good houses all littered with my discarded emotion as I walk the long way home short, sweet - and forceful... tell me what you think...  K...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment... T.G.M. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Jason, I liked it, although I'm totally depressed now! =) The "discarded emotion" part was really powerful in its imagery and wording. I don't know how I stand on the last line debate. IMHO... I disagree with saying "cobblestoned" because that doesn't seem to work for me when I say it in my head. It just sounds odd. As for the punctuation, it made it feel sort of purposeful, kind of like putting one foot in front of the other, as your speaker is doing. Did you intend this, or maybe something else? I think you should keep it if you feel it adds to the meaning. I'm trying to make sense of the title, but I don't know if I quite understand how it links up with the rest of the poem. Why did you choose this title? Maybe you can enlighten me. All in all, though, this one was neat. You really have a unique style. Ashley |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Greg and Severn, I don't feel the last line is "necessary" so much as it is there to sum up the rest of the poem as a whole. That is, it speaks to the emotional drabness of the character. It is a better thing to feel crushed or angry than simply empty. The periods take the place of empty line space; sort of seperates the comments a bit. The words "glistening" and "cobblestone" are there as representations of beauty, and to give the idea of a nice neighborhood. All of the things you've commented on are things the poem could do without and the overall meaning would still be there, but to me they are necessary to add those hidden nuances. Thanks for taking the time to read and for the suggestions. J Ashley, I'm sorry I've depressed you. The personification effect the punctuation gave you wasn't intended, but if it seemed that way all the better. The title is very important to the poem's meaning. The character has the good job, the nice home, the wife and 2 kids...the All American lifestyle including the emotional deadness. That's why he's walking the "long way home". The title, to me, kind of says all of the things about him that aren't in the poem's body. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. J.L.H. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Jason, It's okay that it was sad. In fact, I would rather be impacted emotionally than bored or not affected at all. That's sort of the point of poetry, isn't it, to have an emotional impact? So, I'm still pondering the title... Maybe you're hinting that it takes a long time to get what you want, or to really feel like you "own" it? Or that he's funneling his money and energy into a house and a life that is more of a burden than a blessing? That seems to make sense to me. Or maybe you're making reference to a large amount of time to draw our attention to the fact that this man will be living this same way for a long time still? Those are my thoughts. Okay, I like the title. In fact, I could go on like this for a while. =) That's good - that's there's a lot in there. Ashley |
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