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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Divided |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
A year has now passed since your meeting of words where I heard voices shouting a song whose only notes were played by fear, whose discordant key was hatred. I was not blinded by my contrasting colour, for I still tried to squint through your glass. You had stained it so carefully, and the glass took its form from your words. And while your people contemplated the colour they wore, you recycled the same weary song. With care, you cultivated the hatred within them, painting their souls with fear. And having fed their starving fear, you held up your prescription glass so they could look through the eyes of hatred. You commanded your army of words to march forth, murdering any white song that would have loved you despite your colour. You swore you knew all about colour, especially the black coals of fear that smoldered within the white song. This you saw clearly in your tinted glass. In agreement, the masses repeated your words, calling them lyrics, applauding your hatred. Soon, in every corner, your people found hatred and victimization by those of my colour. Behind our backs, you marched your words in your ranks, and followed your code of fear. Them and Us were sorted, separated by a glass made of your history, your ways, your song. This same, overplayed yet popular song sustained the wall, coating it red with more hatred 'til it was no longer recognizable as glass. But still you said that its colour enabled your brothers to see the fear that you saw in our faces and words. Now each colour is busy creating a song of fear and hatred, blaming the other for the wall of glass that we all build or break with our words. |
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
The message behind this poem is quite powerful. This is a well written sestina. I think off-hand that some of your transitions between the stanzas, especially between the 1st and 2nd and 2nd and 3rd, could use some work, since you use a conjunction I think to cover up the need to end the lines with the same word. I would just suggest trying to make these lines (6, 7, 12, 13) separate clauses on their own. Not so much line 7 as line 13. Anyway, I really wouldn't want to tinker with much more since I feel your language and structure conveys the theme and feel well. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Greg_s, Hi there. Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad you liked it. Writing this was an experiment because I've never tried to write using a specific structure before, especially not such a complicated one. I'm so pleased that the message came through. I wrote another poem on the same subject that I didn't think had the same emotional impact. Maybe it has to do with the repetition or the restrictions in the format. Who knows? Really, eh? You didn't like line 13? I kind of liked the emphasis and the way it added a little more information than the previous line. Do you mean it needed a complete overhaul, or that I should just take out the "And"? I wanted to get across that their fear of white people would have disappeared on its own, if it weren't for the "meeting". I'll try to ponder increasing the transition between those stanzas you mentioned. If you have any specific ideas on how, please let me know. Before I go, I have one question for you and for anyone else who reads this. I'm wondering about the last stanza, which gave me the most trouble. Here's the question: did you get the image of both "colours" being separated by a wall of glass? I really wanted that to come through, but the only way to make it more obvious, I thought, would be to have the last part read "the wall of glass / between us that we all build or break with our words". That seemed so awkward and irritating, and I want to avoid throwing that in if I can help it. If the image comes through as is, then I'll leave it. Ashley |
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
Hello, I was more aiming towards taking out the and, just because I saw lots of conjunction, and I thought that the poem would be strengthened without so much "and..." However, it isn't killing the poem either. I like your line though, its a wonderful image of feeding fear. I have an idea as follows: "So, having fed their starving fear, you held up your prescription glass for them to look through the eyes of hatred." That's just my reworking. If it is helpful to you, then I am glad. If not, oh well, just a suggestion. I thought your last stanza was very successful in wrapping up the theme and feel of the poem. I did get the feeling that it was the two colors separated by the glass. I very much liked the way glass functioned in the poem, since it was used as a barrier, but it's such a fragile thing. I thought the last stanza completed the use of this image well with the "build[ing] and break[ing]" with words. I suggest that you keep the last stanza. This is a nice one. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Greg_s, Oh good. I'm glad I don't have to change the last stanza. Just wanted to make sure. As for the "and", I'm still contemplating how or whether to change it. I see where you're coming from with trying "so" instead, to vary it a bit, but that seems to give more of a pause than I wanted. Thanks for the idea, though. I might be more inclinded to take out the "and" in the 9th line, but I don't know. I confess. I'm guilty of putting in lots of ands. But then it's so hard to let then go! =) Ashley |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
This was an enjoyable read. I liked how you related the perpetuation of hatred through glass, glasses, prescription etc. Squint in the first stanza struck me as especially pleasing. Don't ask me why. forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 02-19-2001).] |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Forrest, Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I liked "squint" myself. I had it as "see" before, but then I had a brainwave and changed it. It's always neat to hear what lines or words people especially liked, because sometimes you get very different answers. If you have a minute, would you mind answering the question I asked earlier? Thanks again for reading and responding, Ashley |
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