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Critical Analysis #1
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smile often (in answer to mere)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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smile often (in answer to mere) |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
And did you really believe ? I stand only behind my skimpy ship My sea (openness) My wind (liveliness) And anchors (laughs) And did you really believe ? that I did not try to, Plant my petals amidst the fire away from the fire Lay them all one right next to the other Urging flames to sieve my desire, pray Only to an extent… Have you trail me, envy me, Watch your innocence grow And become haunted With it instead Did you really think ? Solo is my contentness, colors and attempt My olive trees and these sad floating events For you were there my dear friend My cards were always laid out for them But for you , I reveal It was I , who envied so Watching your cherubs Little angels Holding your threads This castle of yours And daily life happenings .. Being loved for your own self Not for your eye color, Your body that speaks for itself Nor the way you even dress Those gifts were soulless Meant to surmount my humanity Overtake my inner depth They stand empty before my touch When its words uttered that can simply remind your existence That you can be loved truly for your mere self . To have a friend like you, one that make me laugh Make me wonder ,,,what have I missed Is a thought I share at times of loneliness I call you , I ask you out for a cup of coffee Pretend I am your best date ever And blame them guys together for ………ance… Fill the space and smile often my dear old mature now friend.. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I guess we're all waiting for Mere's answer here. Quick note: generally not a good idea to begin a poem with 'and' -- usually comes off like you're trying to be poetic, not a good idea these days. I'll let others deal with some of the stylistic problems here (actually, how much do you want to discuss these, know you're not a native speaker so wonder what you're looking for?). You might have a really interesting poem if you explore the first four or five lines here. Why not describe the boat, the anchors, the sea in such a way that you don't need the parenthetical comments? I realize that it would be quite a different poem but I think your thematics here are too much anyway. Concentrating on that one image instead of telling us what you felt might lead to a far more effective read. Just an opinion, Brad |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
Hi Brad, I do thank you for your comments, I am still trying to figure a style for my writings in Enlgish, but here I was just answering Mere_enigma, and in a way finishing her questions... whether she did belive..they looked at me or not..then answered her with her words.. as opnenness is my sea, and livelness as the wind changing and so on, i took it from her poem and moved on trying to make her see how I felt, and that it was not all true ...we go back long time.. They always looked at you, and I felt awkward and fat. You intrigued them with your (openness ) and (liveliness) and (laughter) while I remained shy and secretive. thanks Brad, as for how much i want to discuss my faults, I would love to know how you react to the poem once you read at first, then how you see it form and perform on a critical scale. Sylph in need |
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