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Critical Analysis #1
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SEA
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since 2000-01-18
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with you

0 posted 2001-02-07 01:15 PM



* Brad, I'm posting this in here for you.......I promised my brother I would........I'd like your honest opinion.

I remember so much about you
The instant connection………friendship
The laughter………..your eyes


I remember the times we had together
The intimacy………of sharing our souls
The bond of trust………….safety

I remember the fun too
Always something going on
Such crazy things we'd do

I remember the happiness
The sound of your voice………late at night
Sharing poetry……………opening hearts

I remember the feelings
I thought somehow………..would never change
Would never end……….only grow stronger

I remember you
~ My friend ~
And the warmth always found ………………in your smile


I miss you so much


~SEA~


[This message has been edited by SEA (edited 02-07-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 S.E. A - All Rights Reserved
epoet
Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa
1 posted 2001-02-08 06:59 PM


SEA, wow.  Such heartfelt emotion and raw passion embridled in such a wonderful memory.  What happened to this wonderful person whose smile you liked so much?  What else did they make you feel?  Great Poem.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love



Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2001-02-09 01:38 AM


Hi, sorry I'm late.

Ed's a great guy but he's also big!  

So how critical can I be here? Basically, you have an anaphoric poem (Whitman is perhaps the most famous practitioner of this) and I won't deny that the last line works well in creating a certain immediacy between the reader and the writer.

But I still want more. Is there anyway you can create more concrete images of the context and situation of the relationship (it could be anything at this point)? How about giving us that magic moment of connection in more detail?

It's a fine poem to give to a friend but without knowing the situation better a third party can do little more that place their own life in these words -- an I know what you feel kind of thing. I'm not looking for poems that makes me remember my life but that makes me see yours.

Just an opinion,
Brad

PS Pretty amazing that I work with your brother, don't you think?


SEA
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with you
3 posted 2001-02-09 04:25 PM


Epoet~ thanks...........This wonderful person has his own life now.........wife, child........I guess I just don't fit in to that picture..........we were friends for 14 years........he was my best friend for a very long time and I love and miss him very much............I'm married with kids too.........I have the ability to be his friend, I just wish he was able to return it.  


Brad~I don't know much about poetic styles, I'm learning more here than I ever did in school LOL I could try to explain more, it's difficult though.......I'll try. I'll see what  I can come up with.  

thanks for taking the time to comment..........yes, he is a big guy isn't he? He's a blast too! Tell Ed I said hey!   I think it's wild that you two actually know each other........try to get him to write poetry........he has an amazing talent for writing........( sister pride)    again, thanks and I'll try.    SEA

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
4 posted 2001-02-09 09:04 PM


Sorry about the mistakes in the above post. Note to self: use the preview function more often.  

I've talked a bit to Ed about it but he seems more interested in prose (you know he's been published here, right?). I agree he is a good writer but I was critical there as well (I just can't help it!)  

Actually, I was wondering if you might consider making this a poem about Ed -- it might create more focus and at least one person will know who you are talking about.

Is it cheating? Not really.

Brad

SEA
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with you
5 posted 2001-02-09 09:32 PM


Brad~ LOL Ed and I were never that close growing up!   He could tell you horror stories..........but I hope he won't.   I'll do one about him though. Actually, I'd been thinking about just that. Now that we are older, I feel closer to him, even though we are so far apart.  Ya, I kinda figured he'd be great at prose. Yes, he sent me the story he wrote for the paper there........I was impressed. Ok, well, as soon as I can get to it, I'll write something and post it in here for you to check out. Ok?   SEA
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