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I stopped wishing (Reply to Sylphid on Stage)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I stopped wishing (Reply to Sylphid on Stage) |
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mere enigma Junior Member
since 2001-01-29
Posts 18 |
My Sylphid, my sprite, my floating understatement in the eye of the storm: Don't wish. Don't dream. Awake and know. Chivalry is dead. Adam's apple has decayed, left the seeds scattered on the cracked desert ground. keep your oak leaves your acorn seeds My Sylphid: take form and fall. mingle with us mortals. but bring your images with you images of wispy nightmares images of knights on stallions images of broken grass, limping shepherds and let's forget bygone defeats those dreams in your eyes you wished to find in theirs only i only i know your torture and your lust know your mad incessant fascination. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Mere Enigma - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
ok, now I'm officially lost. I thought sylphid and mere enigma were the same person. Both write very well, but now I'm having an identity crisis by proxy.  "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
mere thought and sylphid were/are the same. . . but still. . .i wonder. . . |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
What a gracious poetic petition. This reads well aloud, to my way of thinking, especially with its repetitions, but to the paper (or screen) reader's eye, it plays tricks. I notice your punctuation use is somewhat inconsistent, and I wonder ~ have you considered following through with capitals as the poem progresses? I believe it would lend a bit more cognition and persona while tightening the composition itself. See what you think. Just some notes below to take or leave as you see fit. (delete) [add or suggestion] My Sylphid, my sprite, my floating understatement in the eye of the storm: [the following "D" may not be necessary if you wish to keep a colon here] Don't wish. Don't dream. Awake and know. Chivalry is dead. Adam's apple has decayed, left the seeds scattered on the cracked desert ground. [strong image] (k)[K]eep your oak leaves[,] your acorn seeds[.] [acorns aren't already seeds?] My Sylphid: [a comma would also be appropriate] take form and fall. [excellent line following your "apple" reference] (m)[M]ingle with us mortals(.) but bring your images with you[.] (i)[I]mages of wispy nightmares[,] images of knights on stallions[,] images of broken grass, limping shepherds and let's forget bygone defeats[possibly a "dash" here or comma] those dreams in your eyes you wished to find in theirs[.] only i only i know your torture and your lust know your mad incessant fascination. [by poem's end, I see that your use and non use of punctuation is deliberate, though still, I believe that a more consistent presentation (ie. either all caps or all lower) would benefit this very expressive piece.] You've some lovely mood images at work here, I enjoyed it very much, thanks! Claire Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?......Henry David Thoreau |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
for Mark and Lerk HI I 'll leave it up to dear mere to answer both your remarks... and true I was once mere thought, |
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mere enigma Junior Member
since 2001-01-29
Posts 18 |
Claire, Thank you. You are right, my punctuation is sloppy. My caps should be consistent throughout also. I should pay more attention, but I am posting all these from work. (I don't post from home for maybe not-so-obvious reasons.) For all my forum readers: As you see, most of my writing contains hidden meanings or mysteries. I will leave it to you to uncover them. My next post should help. It will contain a clue to our real names. |
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