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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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addressed to FORUM |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
Confession and a statement For being once (no twice) a mere thought Is it too much for others to read me? And Help ME Wake to tomorrow Stained in blood Stained in Ink Stained in mud Stained in sweat Yet blink Oh how I blink in silence and sink Help me read my words.. Dear forum Prove me that touch and sense will not eventually stop In time Sweet time I hate so much In time where thoughts can dry Leave it all to you To Try to move my entity Breath in my words Turn my ocean upside down Have me walk on its sod Do you wish for me to stop? before you Dear ones And Listen to the voice, to whispers fought And from feelings scarcely traced resign From sentiment From Everything In me And turn to A Sylphid I must… . It does sound like a threat in the end For an opinion to be sought Not so, dear poets, critics and friends But If you do comment , please do openly and attack me if you must I have been writing for so long.. but never been read.. And will you do so Putting in mind that English is not my mother language It is Arabic instead ? Sylph |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Sorry, you're not getting the responses you want -- this isn't a popular forum (don't worry, I like it that way  ). The best way to get responses is of course to respond to other poems (as a guideline, we shoot for two comments on others for every poem you post. In reality, it's more like seventeen to one).Uh, you could tell me which part is the poem and which is the letter? I'm not sure what you want commented on. Arabic, huh? Who's your favorite poet in Arabic? It's an area that I know little about. Quick suggestion: write more concretely -- ie with specific situations and avoid the rhyme. Good luck, Brad |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
well, I have trouble getting folks to read my stuff as well, although I've spent time analyzing the work of others....its just the way it goes. If someone reads it and is moved by it in some way, they'll comment. I try to be very specific when I critique, though, and some people prefer just to be praised...so its a mixed bag to critique as well to get critiqued. ok, here's my thoughts on this poem/letter, and some of this applies to your previous poem, which I also read. (I felt that people didnt like my frank commentary so I was curtailing it for a while) First, my macro comment is that the centered structure actually gets in the way of readability here....I'll repost this flush left and I hope you'll see its easier to read that way. Also, my specific comments will be after the particular lines. Keep in mind though, I'm the least qualified person here to judge poetry! --------------------------------------- Confession and a statement For being once (no twice) a mere thought Is it too much for others to read me? And Help ME Wake to tomorrow Stained in blood Stained in Ink Stained in mud Stained in sweat Yet blink Oh how I blink in silence and sink ------[See? I think flush left makes your "stained" line repetition more apparent and therefore has a greater impact. I would lose the first two lines, and the last one. the real meat of the stanza is in the remaining lines. Less is more, sometimes.] Help me read my words.. Dear forum Prove me that touch and sense will not eventually stop In time Sweet time I hate so much In time where thoughts can dry Leave it all to you To Try to move my entity Breath in my words Turn my ocean upside down Have me walk on its sod Do you wish for me to stop? --------[first, a personal comment: dont let what others think influence whether you write or not. If you want to write, do it, but do it because you want to write. Getting others to read it is cool, of course, but if you give them too much power over your volition to create, then its no longer creativity but a cry for attention. You write too well for that. You're an artist, create! Hang the rest of us if we dont get it. Next, on this stanza, I'd say it meanders a bit too much to decipher. There are a lot of metaphors used in a shotgun approach. I'd reduce the number of metaphors and settle on one or two and explore them--for example, I loved the turning ocean upside down image, but it gets diluted with all the other unrelated images] before you Dear ones And Listen to the voice, to whispers fought And from feelings scarcely traced resign From sentiment From Everything In me And turn to A Sylphid I must… --------[This somewhat reminds me of the time when I went to go see standup comedy, and the first act was very very bad, and not funny. Then the emcee came on the mike and starting yelling at the audience that they should start laughing. It was very awkward and had the complete opposite effect that the emcee wanted---the place became COMPLETELY silent. My point is that even though that was what the emcee was feeling, and felt he had to say, he didnt consider the effect it would have on the audience. If you want people to read your stuff, if you make it somewhat uncomfortable for them to do so, by implying you'll quit writing if they dont, then that puts undue pressure on them, makes them VERY uncomfortable and then they will avoid you in the future. Just some advice from someone who has felt like doing that himself....to less than wonderful results. If you want to create, PLEASE DO. and please share it with the forum. If people return that, cool. If they dont, also cool because your creative juices are moving.... and your language of origin certainly has done nothing to your writing abilities in english. You write very well. "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
to comment: Sylph: take it easy. . .breathe deeply (in through the nose. out through the mouth.). . .imagine frustration a pool of reflection. . .identify your frustration, and concentrate on it. . .turn it into a ball of energy. . . center it in your lower belly. . .concentrate. . .now push! keep pushing! almost there. . .almost there! (Pbbhttt!) way to go! farting out your frustrations is just about the only way to get rid of them! and if you don't keep a sense of relentless determination obout your craft, nothing will come of it. like brad said, comment on other poems on the forums, dropping ideas, suggestions, and praise. this will definately result in more responses to your work. . . as a rule, humans fear change, and when you drop into a group who are familiar with each other (even if it's just their name on a blue screen), their tendency is to study you before thery react. when i first started posting here, it took a while to get responses. but i kept commenting on other poems, and eventually, people began to respond regularly. . .it just takes a little effort and patience. by no means should you QUIT writing! if arabic is your mother tongue, translate your poems from arabic to english. write poems on the silly ways arabic and english indirectly relate when translated--i don't know!? JUST KEEP WRITING!! mark. ps--i assume you used to be "mere thought" (?). . .don't stop, or i'll bombard your e-mail with all sorts of pleasant surprises!!! |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
Thank You Brad, As for your suggestion, I am a bit afraid of responding simply for the fact that English is not perfect yet to judge others, I am reluctant to give any opinion on other’s postings, some of the poems are hard to figure out in some points as it is, the metaphors and names , not all familiar to me.. but how about if I try to voice my feelings toward it instead…that I can do…? Actually this for both you and Lerk, When I questioned about how hard it is for other to read me in the first part, I did not mean words, I was really talking of of my whole self..(confession & a statement) Then I thought (god this sounds pathetic) , I switched to the Forum and I am not so sure was I asking for a feeling or an opinion?, sometime I lose myself and it gets harder to be found and find out if its my language or my world is the one so alien and strange… I was really whispering a sigh out loud..I do live in a difficult world , choosing to reappear in the Forum I find so wonderful will help me definitely.. and I am stubborn, I insisted to try out under my other name SYLPHID after mere thought..I declared that at the end, choosing to be an imaginary being inhabiting your air….didn’t I?  Brad, is it the cynical in me trying to rhyme the simplest things at times? I wonder at times.. For the most favorite poet of mine, I would say Adonis is one of many…. Dialogue by ( Adonis) Who are you? Whom do you choose, 0, Mihyar? Wherever you go, there is God or Satan's abyss an abyss coming, an abyss going. And the world is choice. I choose neither God nor Satan. Each is a wall. Each closes my eyes. Why replace one wall by another, when my perplexity is the perplexity of the light-giving, the perplexity of the all-knowing? Thanks again |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
Be less , slow and polite….ok got it.. thanks Lerk, I guess you have a point about the ( left) side…and the impact of stain, and another one for showing me that less is more....in short all your points are good and well thought and I will try my best.. So I would end it by: Stained in sweat Yet in silence I blink And I like how you put your words, shotgun metaphors , my pictures do come racing before my words, don’t they? I am always in a race with my images somehow, I should work hard on slowing down..it is the Arab in me,,, As for the last comment , I was just trying to catch few eyes , silence the audience or have them talk.. an amateur emcee I was…. |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
Mark wish I can draw a real smile |
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